Let's pick up where we left off yesterday here on the blog. The topic revolves around funerals and various issues surrounding them. This is obviously a very emotional subject for many people. Not even my family is untouched by the effects of such times. We have traveled to North Louisiana and Central Texas to gather with loved ones on both sides of the family in times of loss. On any given Sunday in most congregations there will be someone trying to get a handle on grief. How we approach that will determine how well we move through the stages of handling loss.

There is one pet peeve of mine that should be mentioned here. Whenever a person loses a loved one there are well intentioned people who genuinely try to soothe the hurts with cliched type statements. Someone may suggest a six month grieving moratorium to move past a loss. It is as if after X number of weeks that we should just be fine and dandy. Life and death do not work that way. Every holiday, birthday or anniversary reminds the living of the real bonds with those who died. There is no time guarantee on grief. Each one handles that time in their particular way. Yes, some do indeed seem to move into the healing process faster than others. That does not make it better, only faster. Also, some may suggest that other people or relationships may replace the loss experienced. This often happens to those who are younger to middle age. It is suggested that there can be more children or another spouse etc. People are not as easily replaced as appliances or automobiles. That loss experienced is real and valid. Do not ever think that a new thing or person just takes its place.

Sometimes it seems that our best advice may actually add guilt to the process of grieving. The one left living can end up feeling guilty for not being over a loss within a time limit. He or she may begin to think it is selfish to miss terribly the person they lost. It is very much allowed to simply say nothing when comforting the hurting. The best remedy may be to simply listen to the story of the living instead of trying to negotiate a shortcut to grieving the dead. This does not mean at all that we should be cold in our conversation. We do not have to avoid talking about the person who passed away. We simply need to be sensitive to the unique quality every person brings to the table in handling death. Do not worry about making huge mistakes if you are honestly being a companion to the person in pain. You can do no wrong with the quiet acts of kindness that are easily accomplished.

One last thing as we conclude for this day. In the immediate time after death we should recognize how fresh is the relationship between the one lost and those left behind. This is especially true in the tragic or unexpected death. One moment there was a real person among us and then they are gone. I can only speak to my approach at such a time. Emotions such as love do not disappear just because of death. My work brings me alongside parents, spouses, and children who still have valid human emotion toward one who is gone. My usual speech in such a time goes something like this. One, there are no real rules for grieving, each person is different. Two, when confused by the opinions of others, remember rule one. There is a reason we feel such hurt or pain in times of grief. It is because part of us dies along with the person. They shaped who we are and will continue to do so. We cannot just cut off our feelings like a dead branch of a tree. Let us recognize those passions as valid and important. They are part of the avenue God will use in His healing.

It appears that we may need still another day to continue this conversation. We will see tomorrow if the first two days left us with more to say. My hope is not to be a downer with this topic of death. Reality is that death is as much a part of life as birth. We can use our time now to determine if what we live for is worth dying for. You can really begin to live to the fullest without unneeded fears of the future. That is my hope. Maybe it can be your hope also.

Bro. Trey