This blogger stuff seemed like a fun thing to do when it started.  Maybe part of me was convinced that I would somehow change the world with my little site.  Now it just seems like it gets harder and harder to do.  Words that sound good in my mind then come out flat on the screen.  No matter how much time it appears is available that same time runs out for one reason or the other.  Perhaps it just resides within my inability to manage time or think through the thoughts that strike me on occasion.  Who knows all of the reasons for a lack of consistency when writing?

You would think that three weeks locked away in a room would be enough to give you all sorts of new direction for living.  I went into my exile away from all that is normal for me with the idea of learning radical new truth.  So far that is light years from reality.  This does not mean there was no deep moments of thought or prayer.  It also does not mean there was not enough time for reading scripture.  Time was more than abundant but maybe there is something more at work.  Being overcome by chemotherapy is no easy road to take.  The amount of poison that was poured into me seems almost illegal.  What those chemicals do to you is beyond words.  Days were spent not going day by day but basically hour by hour.  You are not in charge of your schedule, your feelings, or your faculties.  What is true is that you simply hope to hang on until something better comes along.  It is very possible to mistake being helpless for being hopeless.  There are no emotions to be felt as they melt away with the rest of your being.

This is a surprising discovery along the way.  My expectation was to feel greatly or deeply with God as we journeyed together.  Most days were devoid of feeling other than how do I get through this day.  Now there is some excitement as lab reports tell me of the ongoing recovery.  Everything is working just as the doctor predicted yet I cannot tell you there is a swell of emotion that comes along with it.  I still wake up each day ready to deal with whatever that date holds for me.  I still make time to turn to God praying for myself and for others that need His help.  I still turn to scripture to hear what God may be wanting to say to me on that day.  Yet it is all within the context of a new normal.  It all resides within God doing what He can to bring about change in my being.

Maybe we get change all wrong from the outset.  We anticipate some radical dimension of God's presence to sweep us off our feet to magically set us in a new reality.  Sometimes change may be less sweeping and dramatic than it is slow and sure.  What we may long for is change without the pain of wrestling with God, self and life.  Maybe we expect to be like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz and just wake up in a new dimension.  We may discover that transition is more nightmare than it appears.  God doesn't work in our life.  No house worth living in goes up without time to make sure it is safe.  Our life is worth far more than that to Him.  So don't always look for the easy or emotional signs of change.  Learn to hold onto Him when it is really hard.  That is when God is doing His very best work in you.

Bro. Trey