We can report that no flu or bug is making itself at home in my body yet. Other than the usual allergies it seems that I am safe for at least another day. My daughter will try to head back to school tomorrow. Plus, no one else in my family shows symptoms as of now. It would be good to say it's clean living that is doing it but sometimes it is better to be lucky than good. My heart goes out to those suffering as whatever this illness is does take a toll on those it attacks. Our school is being ravaged by this run of flu stuff. Let's hope it runs its course without anyone getting significantly ill.

This was promised to be a deeply spiritual and insightful piece. Granted it could be argued if anything here has been either deep or spiritual but we try. While I was out running today it seemed a good idea to offer a glimpse into why I am the way I am. Just over ten years ago my life changed with a simple diagnosis. A doctor finally looked at me and declared that much of my struggle in life was due to Social Anxiety Disorder. It is a comfort to know why you are weird. This was something I suspected but could not quite find a handle to deal with it. Much of my time was taken up with trying to find a reason for some of my behavior. Now there was a tangible issue to work around.

Those who really know me can see the shyness behind the superficial. For years it was said that I didn't like people. That really is not the case at all. The real problem is that ongoing fear that people will not like me. Let me confess that some to much of this disability is self inflicted. It is an easy thing to just remain secluded rather than run risks with people. Yet, some of this is simply the product of choosing the wrong parents. It is not merely a personal decision but it is very much a medical condition. My brain chemicals go off kilter in some social settings. Being cautious is one symptom that plagues me. What you may not know is there are also panic attacks that can overwhelm my system. When the illness was at the worst level it was difficult to even take a breath when the panic kicked in. Obviously this is not a great scenario for one who deals with people on a regular basis.

For years my approach was to think it something evil or sinful. The problem is that there are times when you can make things worse by dumping guilt on top of a real disease. Do not think that there were not and still are not lots of time spent praying to get a handle on this. Several of my bibles are marked up in highlight ink from trying to push through this on my own. Lots of prayers were made with genuine intensity to move past the fears. Yes, there is still a need to do more of this but sometimes it may not be enough. Someone who reads this may think the last few statements display a lack of faith. You are entitled to your opinion. For me the journey to a more healthy life needs more than just more praying and reading.

A major boost of the diagnosis was to begin taking medicine to make my brain act right. The jury is still out on how well this is working. Again, this is not a lack of faith in my opinion. If a person suffers from a chronic but not terminal illness they will probably take medication in order to not feel worse. This is true for my inherited blood pressure problem. Some take medicine to deal with diabetes, arthritis or some other chronic ailment. My dad prescribed a routine of such help to get the brain to function better without the panic attacks. This helps tremendously along with lots of exercise, spiritual discipline and other coping skills. Perhaps my brain will never be totally normal but at least the rampant panic is far less than it once was.

Why this is the topic of tonight goes beyond my understanding. My professional life does tell me that there are more than a few people who struggle with emotional as well as physical disability. Sometimes, it just simply is not the fault of the individual. They did not sin or fail in faith for an ailment to occur. It is left to us though to seek answers on both the medical as well as the theological level. We have to own the obstacles as they affect our spiritual life. Only part of the healing is found in the medical community. Some of moving forward is to simply choose to face up to the limits while moving past them. Some of moving forward is anchoring the values of life in God alone. Some of getting a handle on such things remains in our power to choose to remember what is eternal and what is only temporary. It took a massive amount of hard work, soul searching along with gut honest praying to even reach the point of being at this point of life. Medicine is great but it matters little if not met with God's power in life.

This is something that will remain with me as long as God gives me breath. So far, there are no answers as to why this afflicts me. My best hope is to let Him continue to display some measure of grace in growing beyond the limits. This was my plan today and will be again tomorrow.

Bro. Trey