I recently described myself to someone as a cancer survivor. This is still all very new to me. My journey was short in comparison to many who struggle with this disease. Seems like we went from zero to sixty then back again before we knew it. Just referring to my status as a survivor gives me the occasion to pause. So many of my fellow travelers take this trip for years rather than months. I can admit that it almost seems unfair to place myself in that category. Six months of my life will always be defined by that illness. One thing is very true. You are never the same after you go through this experience.

My body still is paying the price for all of the chemicals poured into my system. Sometimes the treatment can be harder on you than the cure. Multiple rounds of chemo along with other medications really do a number on you. Don't take this wrong yet again. My belief is that chemo along with God's kindness worked out my new life as a survivor. Just be assured that the various poisons within the therapy took its toll. My main focus is currently on doing lots of cardio exercise. Weather conditions are taking me inside for this during winter. I doubt that my physical condition will ever be where it was before diagnosis. Age plays a big factor in this but so will the after effects of chemo. This is not complaining but a simple explanation for where I am.

My mental faculties are not where they were. Intelligence may not ever be one of my stronger traits but it is even less now. Typing out this blog reminds me of my limits. Reaching the conclusion of my regular posting takes even longer than before. Spelling is one of those things where I notice it. Writing takes more concentration now than then. Words are sometimes hard to come by when doing this. What once would flow on the page now goes through stops and starts. Chemo brain is a very real issue for many who are subjected to the chemicals. Memory lapses or other problems display their presence regularly. One just has to work harder to keep the mind focused. It's just another thing to overcome.

Emotions are a curious thing. This survivor finds a greater capacity to feel stronger about various things. I recently was watching a somewhat silly show on television but could feel myself being almost weepy. My natural inclination is to observe such behavior for a logical reason for its existence. No decent explanation came to mind. But it is also true that a greater ability to laugh is also present. Jim Valvano said near the end of a losing battle with cancer that tears and laughter are a great sign of life. Connecting emotionally keeps the ties with life growing. Finding a new balance for all of this remains a fascinating part of the journey.

Big events in life will always change you. Even the collection of smaller moments will alter who you are. Thankfully, the darkest days of this disease are behind me. No one can escape such a trip unscathed. Even being open like this would be foreign to me before my cancer. Whether this is good or bad can be open to discussion. God's presence does not just happen at those moments. Being intentional about Him is the key to growth in grace. I sometimes miss who I once was. But there is no going back to the previous condition. All one can do is grip tightly to God no matter where life takes you. Faith may not magically make it all better. It does give you the means to living better than where you are. This is true for my journey. May it be true for yours.

Bro. Trey