This last week is taking a toll on me.  Do not think of this as a complaint.  It is what it is.  There is nothing that would keep me from multiple drives or conversations with friends during this loss.  I would like to draw much of this event to a close tonight.  Temptation serves to have me return constantly to the death of our friend.  Some of this happens because in my busyness there was not a lot of time for me to process my feelings about it all.  Most of my attention was focused on my classmates and a family.  I realize some of that is due to my profession.  It's just what my job demands.  I also think some of this is from my background.  You can well imagine that my friendships were very diverse in school.  More than a few of us were close with people of all shapes and sizes.  All of that is to relate how much of my attention this past week was on others more than myself.  This is neither right or wrong.  It just is.

Our graduating class remains unusually close after all of these years.  We don't always see each other often but we instantly reconnect.  Some friends came home that I'd not seen in thirty years.  It took one hello for us to feel like nothing changed.  Perhaps it is best that I say it felt that way for me.  We all have other friends and family but we remain somehow tied to each other.  My classmates sat as a group during the memorial service.  There were at least two rows of them.  My seat ended up being behind one of the podiums at the Methodist church.  Not sure that was really the place for me but it was far easier than trying to dodge the flowers along the railing.  My daughter's class reminds me a great deal of mine.  They seem to have an unusual closeness developing.  I can only hope they have half of the bonding of my classmates.

My hope was to deliver the eulogy in a way that celebrated a life while bringing some comfort.  Listening to conversations among my friends was one source of inspiration.  I also spent time reading both the guestbook of the funeral home along with my friend's Facebook page.  Several of my comments grew out of that reflection.  I included some of the more professional remarks based on my experiences.  Someone made a comment to me after the services that is staying with me.  Another mom who lost a son years ago said that she was not crazy about the idea of closure.  Nobody ever said it that way in my hearing.  Her point is that she continues to think about her loss years after the services.  My thought process is now leaning toward her direction.  Memorial services may serve a purpose but it really does not bring closure. 

Allow me to be real personal for just a minute.  My body, mind and whole self feel very weary tonight.  This is a loss that takes me all of the way back to 1968 and first grade.  My heart also hurt for three kids who lost their mother with little notice.  Nothing is ever going to be the same again for them.  The same is true for my classmates.  Being invincible is no longer an option for us.  Losing my friend so close to my illness is giving me reason to again think through life and its meaning.  Perhaps you will read someday of my findings.  I am content to ponder this tragedy in quiet for now.  I am after all only human. 

Bro. Trey