We are almost through the first weekend of round three in treatment. So far the experience is going much better than the previous two rounds. My body is still processing the steroids out of the system. No words can really describe what this is like. At least the drugs did not affect me nearly as much as last time. My mind was halfway clear this morning during the message. No, that may not be saying much but it is a definite improvement. Hunger would be the word for the weekend. I don't know if there was much that wasn't eaten this weekend. Tomorrow I will try to cut back while being sure my body gets to the gym. Perhaps my weight gain will not be so pronounced.

This was also the day of displaying the clean shaven look to the congregation. My youngest did give me an odd expression this morning when he realized that my beard is gone. He just smiled then went back to his stuff. A few people mentioned how young it makes me look without facial hair. I suppose this is a good thing. It may also mean that at my age it will not take much to make me look younger. Right now my plan is to grow back a partial beard as soon as possible. This may change should my hair return a different color or texture than before. It sounds like most people get a change in color or style upon the regrowing of hair. We will not see what happens for another three months or so.

I admit to looking very much like a cancer patient now. Some of it is self inflicted knowing of my appearance pre chemotherapy. There is some of it that is just there from shaving or buzzing back the hair. Here goes some more honesty. If this is not your cup of tea you may wish to stop reading now. Today was hard for me. Last week was the revealing of the buzzed head. Today was the display of a clean shaven face. I bought a hat recently to wear when out and about. Most days it goes well with blue jeans and all the usual attire. My appearance is just of a guy wearing a hat on a hot summer day. But on Sundays it does not mix as well with a summer dress look. My honest emotion is feeling self conscious about how I look. I look nothing like the person who preached even three weeks ago. I will admit to you that there was some serious anxiety going on with me. Things just did not feel right.

Now I know that all of these side effects are from medicine doing its thing. My mind is fully aware that this is only a temporary event. I do hope that all of this means that chemo is doing its thing to those sick cells within me. But there is still that insecurity over my appearance. Even though we are halfway through this therapy there is still another few months to go. Things will not get any better until after my final session in early October. There really is nothing anyone can do to improve my outlook. The facts are just what they are. I also know that my attitude will get better soon. Emotions as toxic as these cannot be allowed to gradually fester into something worse.

Odds are good that more than a few people show up at their church feeling less than their best about conditions in life. Some may share my anxiety over their appearance for various reasons. There may be a few who feel as if they do not measure up to some self imposed standard they have for life. A few still live with guilt or regret over a hidden failure somewhere in the past. Maybe it is closer to the truth to write that most if not all people enter a worship service with some anxiety resting on their shoulders. We can and should do all in our power to encourage others to draw comfort from God's presence. But let us remember that real healing for what ails us will finally come from Him. He knows who we are inside and out. He also loves us unconditionally while still having that knowledge. We may have anxiety over how others see us but we have assurance God sees us through the eyes of love. We may struggle with self rejection but be sure that God desires us with an everlasting love. That is where we find the first step in our anxieties melting away.

Bro. Trey