This was the day of my four month checkup with my oncology doctor.  It is also a good time to admit to things about this visit.  Brevity will again be our goal but maybe it will make some sense in the end.  Cancer is one of those issues that never crossed my mind in terms of it affecting me.  That all changed about two years ago.  Now there is another adjective used to describe me.  I am a cancer survivor.  What this means still escapes me most of the time.  No doubt it is a good thing but there are some side effects also.  There lies the struggle that continues in my mind still.


My visit brought on more nerves than usual.  Why this happened escapes me.  There are no symptoms to mention.  Any other signs of illness just are not present.  I cannot say that worry was part of the package but just an uneasiness that would not stop.  None of this got better as they seemed behind today at the clinic.  Sitting in waiting rooms is a sure way to kick those nervous butterflies up another notch.  Temptation comes as you wonder what is taking longer than normal. There is no point in feeding doubt since whatever is taking place is beyond your control.  But it probably does play a role in the blood pressure reading!  All turned out fine in the end.  My doctor is great so I take her word on it that all is going well.  No one called afterward to change my mind on that either.  You really cannot ask for more.


I still struggle with the aftermath of surviving my disease.  Part of that is theological in wondering what God was doing or is still doing.  Anger really never crossed my mind.  God knows what He is doing so my role is to be in line with that purpose.  Being mad would only clutter the mind to do that.  Some of my struggle is still emotional.  Guilt plays some part in wondering how my story ended well back then yet others don't make it.  Celebrating good news is always tempered with the knowledge that others will never know that joy.  I do not know if this is right or wrong but it is what it is.  My job plays a big part in that reaction for sure.  Most events in our life are never totally good or totally bad.  They are dependent on our heart toward God.  Even the very best of divine moments can come down to what we make of them.  My other struggle is personal.  There are just an awful lot of things that do not bother me any longer.  There also comes a new set of priorities that do not match up with other people.  People tend to stare at you with strange expressions when you don't share their particular passion.  To use a cliche, my life has very few mountains now but mostly molehills.  My apologies if I fail to get worked up over some things after surviving this disease.  


Maybe you won't be subject to more writing about my illness for awhile.  Just know it is a huge part of who I am.  Cancer is one of my filters in life.  My choice is to allow God to act with each area of my being.  It seems the best path to really being completely healthy.


Bro. Trey