Today was a good day. It's a great feeling to look back over a Sunday without having some regrets for how it went. We had a good crowd in the morning with even more than one would expect returning this evening. Holiday weekends are always a great unknown. There are times when everyone is gone away to escape. Sometimes you have days like today when there are more people than you would anticipate. It was made even better as people seemed to sing with enthusiasm. It was indeed a good day in the hometown congregation.

Without beating the usual refrain on the weather let's just say summer arrived. I even adjusted to the heat during my mid afternoon exercise. Some of that change might be attributed to the wisdom that comes with age. Chances are that age just makes it more difficult to cut loose with the temperatures already fairly high. The whole point of writing this may be just to say that my body still feels fine. Any symptoms of my illness are still not rearing its ugly head. Now we just have to get through the tests this week.

Most of this week will revolve around medical tests concerning the cancer that was diagnosed. It is here that we will try to discover the details of the disease. Please know that my faith is not beyond trusting God for a healing. People are praying for me to be made whole. My personal prayer is about God restoring my health without this trial. It is this present journey into the unknown that is so distracting both mentally and emotionally. This is where more steps are needed to keep all of this in perspective.

This past week did not go so well trying to balance it all. There is no one to blame but myself and no one can make it better than me. I need to find better ways to cope than my few attempts so far. Don't think that my goal is to add more stress to my situation. It is clear that if I am to be at my best for whatever comes that my attention needs better focus. There are still going to be work projects that call for my attention. There will of course be the usual assortment of family responsibilities to handle. There there will be the unexpected interruptions that any day may bring. I know that we all deal with these similar issues no matter who we are. My hope is to find better methods to handle my moments. I will let you know how that goes.

Bro. Trey

Am I scared? Seems like a good question for the 250th post on this blog. I have to admit to having anxiety tonight. I spent the day with my youngest. My hope is his time was as good as mine. I guess the problem lies with wondering about the future. What happens to him as well as other family and friends should my time ultimately be shorter than the norm? There is still no doubt in my mind that what awaits us is far beyond what we have now. But there are still small wake up calls along the way.

It is an odd thing that people who believe in heaven as we do can become so enamored with life in the here and now. My thought is that it is all part of being human and alive. Healthy people can reach out to connect to those around them. When you are comfortable in your relationship with God it allows you to build deep ties with people in your circle. We are wired to live in wonderful dependence on family and friends. I am grateful for all of mine. That is probably the source of tonight's anxiety attack.

Being honest about anxiety is the best way to overcome it. Fear tends to like the dark and unexamined places of our heart. Fear likes to confront us about our reality by posing the question of what if. Fear will not fight fairly because it is based on untruth. It cannot stand in the light because it is exposed for the coward that it is. It cannot cause any damage beyond what we may allow to occur. Admitting anxiety is the first step toward a solution.

True love casts out fear. Begin with the love God pours out to your life in order to squash those emotions. Remind yourself that He will not do anything in your life that He does not have the capacity to handle. It is not about you but God. The old hymn says, "Turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in His wonderful face, and the things of earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of His glory and grace." Reclaim that hold God places on us in Jesus. If you can trust Him for heaven when you die then you can do the same until He calls you home.

Bro. Trey

Today is my birthday. It means that I am celebrating being 29 for the 2oth time. I long stopped making a fuss about birthdays. Without going into details, there are too many odd things that happened around this date. These days my main goal is to get through the day without serious injury to myself or others. The doctor sure fouled that thing up this year. A pony would be a much better present for me than my diagnosis.

Next week will be a medical test for me on three separate days. Two of them should be a piece of cake. One of them just might be a tad uncomfortable. The phone rang almost constantly with one person or another letting me know when to show up. Mostly, I am just ready to get them over with. I'd rather not have bad news but would like to know what is going on. The odd thing is my body feels good. My weight is the same except for the outside yard work or exercise. I eat the same as always even if that is not completely good. Guess we will know more in two weeks.

There is still a lot of adjusting going on for me. It is honestly hard to concentrate on my reading over the last week. Prayer comes very easy! Much of my best praying is done while running/walking. It helps when no one is in my way but it is a great way to think while oxygen is flowing. The hard part is getting the mind clear to read. Luckily this week should be pretty simple reading. This is just one of the many adjustments that need to be made.

I plan to live a very long time. That is my central desire in all of this. Perhaps it is true that a follower of Jesus has the longing for heaven. There are just many things left to do here. I have no particular claim to fame. Life would go on fairly routine should God call me home. My hope is that experience does not come my way for a long time. I also know that life is in God's hands. No one has a guarantee of anything really past now. This is true whether one has a dramatic diagnosis or not. We all live in the grace of God. My best advice is to remember the prayer of Jesus when He taught to ask for the grace of God for each day. That will be His power to live fully no matter the conditions. My hope is you find it to be true for you wherever you are in the journey.

Bro. Trey

Most people probably remember their first time. Today was my first time to go to an oncology doctor at the cancer center. That memory will stay with me for awhile. All sorts of people were there during my visit. Some were obviously in a life and death struggle with this disease. Some looked as if they are like me just starting the journey. We were all the same no matter what prognosis we have. All of us are sick and fighting to keep our health. It will be interesting to see if or how relationships develop during my visits. My bet is that any relationship made there will be very different in nature.

The doctor has three tests lined up for me over the next two weeks. Two of them should be painless while the last has the promise of being just a bit uncomfortable. When you hear the word bone marrow used in a test the odds are it is not for the squeamish. My view is if John Wayne can whip up on cancer then that is my decision also. I don't know if there is really much room for pity with this illness. Sympathy is always welcome but there are many more people than I who are waging war with their body.

There is a movie that came out at least ten years ago about an arrogant doctor who is diagnosed with cancer. It is his story of the change to his life because of the diagnosis. His treatment affects all of his relationships including those with his family and his patients. He comes out a far more humble person that he was when he began. I am only taking the initial steps but the story resonates already. Life will not be the same.

Understand that my emotions are not quite as strong as usual. I blame the day for this. The good thing about it is the awareness of a growing humility. Some of it comes from the illness. Some of it comes from trying to keep God in proper perspective. It's my hope this is something that grows during this time. I know it is part of my ongoing praying.

Bro. Trey

I have dealt with more than a few people these last 25 years or so who dealt with cancer. They were already my hero prior to my own diagnosis. Their courage inspired me long before I joined their ranks. With all of the extravagant diseases today we tend to forget that cancer still affects somebody new every day. Other illnesses tend to gain lots of government funding yet it remains cancer that is far too common. Surely there is not a person in America that isn't touched by this disease in some form or fashion. Many people far better than I know what it is to get this diagnosis. I would like to think my sensitivity level to people who struggle with this was already high. God knows it will be even higher now.

Courage is a word we throw around in settings that may not be entirely accurate. The courageous person is the soldier risking life and limb overseas. Courage is a single mother handling all of the juggling of family with determination. Courage is the person who is open to new directions from God. I do not know how courageous this diagnosis makes me. All I know is to face it a day at a time trusting in God and medicine to return me to help. As of this writing, there still is no evaluation on how much or how far this cancer is involved. I am hoping that the original doctor is correct in his view of it being very early and very treatable. Maybe we will know more tomorrow after the doctor evaluation.

Are there fears roaming about in my brain? There are a few that tend to raise their ugly heads from time to time. Some of them may be settled tomorrow. But I am not afraid of the upcoming process. What I have is what I have. No amount of anxiety will change that. My comfort is that God has not decided to be different than He is. It does not matter the diagnosis or the treatment. God can still do great things in one's life no matter the conditions. My faith in Him is not going to waver simply because of a doctor's phone call. Life is far more than what we experience now. My faith says that life is eternal. Death does not have the last word.

Am I afraid that if things go south that death will come? That really does not bother me a great deal. The only thing that troubles me is leaving family and friends. We are all born with a limited life span on this planet. Some are allowed years of abundance prior to that time. It is also true that some have their journey seemingly cut short. In the words of the movie "True Grit" I ain't dead yet. My goal is to live fully in my relationships with others for a very long time. It is true that this goal is not totally in my hands. But, do not bet against me. I won't be challenging God but living out life daily trusting Him. It seems to me that is the beginning of courage. Will we trust our days to Him regardless of the conditions? That is my plan and my hope as the journey continues.

Bro. Trey

Now where did we leave off? We were talking about the fact that I have cancer. This is still very hard to believe. My energy level seems as good as it usually is. There are no real other symptoms that are recognizable. Yet, a visit with an oncologist awaits me for Wednesday afternoon. The office finally called me late this afternoon to set up the appointment. At the least, we can start the official diagnosis and treatment of the disease.

The call actually caused me some uneasiness. It's like there is a new need to adjust or accept what is about to take place. One can only imagine how often my body will be tortured by lab work and other things. God willing this will be the beginning of beating cancer. One thing is for sure. I'd wager there will not be a lack of examinations by doctors from now on. Fortunately, needles do not bother me. That part of the process will not bother me.

I know there are more than a few books or written records of how an individual faced disease to come out whole on the other side. There is no illusion here that this journal will be anywhere close to those prior works. This can't match the eloquence of others. Let's hope it does not contain the drama some who walked before me experienced. There are no guarantees with this by my highest hope is still for the best.

Have I asked God to heal me? The answer is affirmative. There will be more to say on this in the next day or so. For now let's just stick with there is more at stake than whether I am healed or cured. Years of study says to me that character matters more than cancer. Be assured that I would rather be healed or cured along with the maturing. My church family gathered around me on Sunday night to pray for me. My prayer was indeed for healing. My reasons for such a request are two fold. One, it would be awesome for my church family to see God do the amazing. A second reason is for God to get the credit for delivering me from this disease. God will work through this time to affect the lives of others. He is much more powerful than a tumor or growth. My hope is He displays Himself in and through all of this. How He chooses to do this is totally up to Him.

We will write more tomorrow but stop here for the night. I still feel fine. There are good days ahead. We can rest assured that this valley is no match for God's light.

Bro. Trey

I have cancer. Writing those words seems just as odd to me as saying them. Yet, I have cancer. This means it might be a good idea to write the next few weeks or months down as the journey progresses. God willing, the disease will not travel as long as the journey. It is my full expectation to recover for a long life. However I also know that none of us has a promise of anything more than the moment. It's already been a few days since the doctor called with the diagnosis. We are already behind on journaling on what happened. We will try to catch up over the next few days.

There is a tumor/growth behind my right ear. My best memory is that it did not appear until mid to late March. Even that date may be wrong. My first doctor visit was to the family doctor around April 20. She believed the growth to be nothing more than what is called a keloid scar. We asked to be seen by a dermatologist which took place on May 14. A biopsy shaved off a slice of the growth for it to be evaluated. The news came last Thursday that it shows Type B lymphoma. The next step is to set up a meeting with cancer doctors. Perhaps they will call tomorrow to set this up.

A Cat Scan awaits me as they look to see the extent of the disease. It very well could be that this was caught very early before it worsens. I have no other symptoms to report other than the tumor. I have not lost weight. There are no night sweats unless they are from living in Texas where it's extremely hot. This is part of my optimism. God willing, the worst thing to undertake will be radiation treatment. Let's hope more information is given to me very soon.

How about some last thoughts on how I feel? No, that doesn't refer to physical feelings but the emotional experience. There is still some shock no doubt but it doesn't seem to be denial. It is therapeutic to simply tell people, "I have cancer." It is what it is so we just adjust and move on. There is no anger at God. One reason is that I know full well bad things happen to all types of people. Whining is not an option. Prayer is a much better outlet. When it seems like there is a temptation to complain is when I choose to pray. My greatest hope is no matter what happens it will honor God. This is what I asked for as my church family gathered around me to pray for me tonight. There is no doubt in my mind that God heals. But beyond that is my desire to let God be God. I don't think at this moment that I will die. I do know that my first choice is to live in a better relationship with Him until the final day arrives. Sounds like at the least a decent way to approach life even if you are healthy.

Will be back with more to say soon. It may be a bumpy ride from here but we will get through it together.

Bro. Trey