Today was my first lab/doctor visit since my body received all kinds of chemicals last week. My honest approach going in was one of anxiety. So far my visits included some type of bad news. If the news wasn't bad then there was at the least a somber approach to the appointment. Today was finally a day for good news. Even my doctor smiled and seemed genuinely pleased with this small sampling of information. The chemo seems to be taking it right to the cancer. The growth behind my ear is indeed shrinking. Now, there is more to my illness than this but it is a very good sign. It says that the disease is being affected by the medication. Realistically this is a first look at what is a marathon of treatment but so far, so good. Another odd piece of good news is that my blood pressure was completely normal. I'm not sure where that came from but it is a welcome addition to the day.

My motto is still to be cured by miracle or medicine. You also will not find me turning down a combination of the two. We went about six long weeks without the slightest word concerning the outcome of treatment. Every doctor visit seemed more depressing than the one before. I even tried to tone down or lessen the positive direction but my doctor was actually upbeat. Those that know me realize this is part of my personality. My tendency is to dwell on the negative while not allowing the positive to be experienced. This is not a good thing. Sadly, it is part of my human nature that developed over years. Maybe it just another "illness" that needs healing.

It seems to me that we may overlook the good stuff that God does more often than we should. I know that one reason it happens to me is the fear of something bad following right after the good. This is another one of my not go great things to confess. What happens is we do experience something good from life or God which gives us joy. But then without warning we are blindsided by something we see as awful soon after. If you do this enough then you begin to not let the blessing have its impact in your life. We live more in fear of the terrible than we do live in the light of the miracle. God may want better for us than that.

People in the Bible seemed to live expecting God to do the good more than the bad. Theirs was a faith of believing God would show up to change things in the circumstance. No doubt each one knew the pain of the negative but hope remained fixed on Him. Our theology usually takes only two time zones. We know Jesus died for us in the past. That one is pretty set in stone. We also talk about Him returning for us in the future. Where we fall short is in finding God in the nasty now and near. Perhaps we do not know all that it means to be in relationship with God. It could also be that we carry far too many scars of being hurt in a moment of happiness. May we think about our attitude towards His blessing. It could be the problem is not God holding it back. Maybe it is we don't receive it enough due to our fears.

Bro. Trey

Tomorrow is yet another visit to the doctor. This is getting ridiculous. Most of my waking hours are getting spent on going or coming from there. My schedule says this is ninth trip to some doctor or the other just this month. Last week felt very odd in that there was only one time that I needed to be at the clinic. Perhaps some of this will slow down as we go further in the process. There is no doubt but this is an adjustment time for me. What shape that takes is still up in the air.

I spent some time this weekend feeling my way through all of this. There was some time left free to read and reflect. My goal is to be sure that any adjustment moves in a positive direction. I do not want to over analyze things but that is a facet of my personality. I am diagnosed with a disease called cancer. It is not the only thing that ails me. My blood pressure tends to run high as well. That does not even mention the poor vision of my eyes. Most days the last two issues never cross my mind. At least neither of them make me take a deep breath from anxiety. They are just part of who I am in this journey of life. There are medicines to take as well as other things to keep me generally whole. It seems that perhaps this is where my illness is going now.

If there is a blessing to my condition it is that there are breakthroughs taking place on a regular basis now. Scientists are creating and testing new approaches to therapy that show the promise of real success. Again, I want to be cured, healed or otherwise fixed whether by miracle of God or medicine. Never doubt my heart's desire for my prayer. But there is the very real possibility should that miracle not arrive that medicine is going to make this just another part of my life. Yes, it is hard to compare cancer to being near sighted but maybe you get the idea. This is all part of my ongoing adjustment to this new reality.

Let me honestly express gratitude to God for His goodness this last week. There were basically zero side effects from the treatment. The lab visit tomorrow will show more of what is taking place but there wasn't really much of a hint of a horrible time. Anyway, I know to be humble with all that is going on. If there is a point to this night's rambling it would be that we learn to adjust to new normals in life. Sometimes that happens due to the bad stuff that occurs. Let's hope much of it happens due to the goodness of God. May He become your new normal regardless of what else happens in your world.

Bro. Trey

Let me just keep this one short and to the point. That is my goal beginning this post. I am indeed grateful for the past week. No horror stories are going to be reported about the therapy received last Monday. I cannot say thank you to God enough for His goodness. Perhaps the medicines for the stomach played a role but my gratitude goes to Him. My body feels great as of this writing. I even got on the riding mower late this evening and knocked out a large part of the yard. This is amazing to me compared to the other terrible accounts of people who undertake chemotherapy. My mind honestly is in awe of how well it all went.

Humility is another word that comes to mind. Maybe this character trait is something that is only discovered in real world experience. There are lots of books or words on humility but it seems something that can only be discovered in the laboratory of life. For me this means not being defined by a diagnosis but by the possibilities of God. It is true that my life and schedule may allow me more time for reflection but there is still the need for investing that time. Humility is born not from putting yourself down but in realizing just how awesome God truly is.

I am grateful for people who helped out during the week. My mother stayed a few days to help with cooking and other household duties. We did not know at the outset how much if any that I would be able to contribute. The food was wonderful and the clothes are clean. We dined on some terrific home grown vegetables that were more than a bit edible. Everyone seemed to just pick things up a notch to see us through the week. Thank you to all who send cards or notes. Keep them coming.

Today was interesting in the research part of my illness. I am limiting myself to just one or two websites to gather the latest news on cancer. This day carried news on two or three fronts on the progress being made in treatment. Development of medicine is a slow process. However, there is a real reason for optimism in this area. New drugs are showing great promise at treating or even perhaps moving toward cures. Yes, God is God and He has the last word. No one has a guarantee but the reality is that my cancer is getting more treatable each year. I am also grateful to God for this reason to be positive.

Right now is a good time in the journey. I do not look forward to backsliding along the way. My hope is He will keep building a foundation of faith that will withstand the negative moments. All there really is to say is thank you to Him and to others.

Bro. Trey

We are now 72 hours post chemotherapy. So far it is a huge success. There are no tummy troubles to report. There was not even a single wave of nausea. My plan was to stick to the stomach medicines exactly as prescribed. Food has been no trouble. The last three days were good times for exercise. It was nothing like the workouts prior to my diagnosis but maybe that will come later. Studies show repeatedly that exercising goes a long way to beating this disease. Yes, my heart is grateful to God for the experience so far. He is being so good to me with this. I am still a Dad and cant afford to be down for a long period of time. Thank you God for this miracle.

This does not mean that every round of treatment will have the same results. Some comments that I read say that the effects can get more pronounced as we move forward. One bad thing about that is my next round should come as we begin Vacation Bible School here. My intent is to keep the same pattern of rest and medication following the therapy. Maybe having two more weeks to exercise will also aid in fighting off the unwanted moments. My schedule is moving slower than usual. That may not sound possible but I want my body to have every opportunity to heal. This is a long marathon of treatment where all I can do is what I can do.

Lots of people talk about fighting the disease of cancer. It isn't clear to me this early in the journey if that is where I am. Can anyone really fight something so complex? Again, my early opinion is that the best that I can do to fight this is to take care of myself. The medicines that run through my body do most of the heavy lifting. My part is to rest if needed. I can eat right when the time comes. I can exercise to keep the body moving. This obviously leaves out the spiritual aspects of keeping it all together. It seems to me that the best decision is to pray and look to God to do His part.

My heart truly believes that this disease can be beaten. I cannot do it by myself. My prayer is for God to get the credit by doing wonderful things now. My life needs Him not just for an illness but for every area. The God who forgives sin can restore to spiritual health. He is also the God who can totally heal me. This is not something to demand. It isn't even something for making bargains with Him. All I know to do is to keep giving all of this back to Him. After all, where else does life belong?

Bro. Trey

Hopefully this post will be shorter than some previous. One reason is there isn't a lot to talk about other than what effects my day of treatment brings. Another reason for keeping it short is that my mind is weary of thinking about all of this. Perhaps this means my arrival at acceptance is close at hand. God willing, my mind will be more peaceful that it was the last few weeks. It may not be chemotherapy to take my hair out but just the tress.

Today was uneventful as far as any side effects showing up with me. I am going to keep taking the stomach medicine on a regular basis. One of the effects of treatment is also fatigue. Not sure there is any fatigue as much as the sleepy quality that comes from the tummy medicine. I did get up around 5 this evening to go the the school and exercise. It was my first time back in a week. Yes, I kept the workout on a moderate level. There was no serious push to what was done. If I can make it to the gym then that is where I need to be. Perhaps it will offset some of the issues that can come from chemo. My mother is here a few days and she made a great meal tonight. My stomach took it all in just fine. The rest of the night was spent reading or watching baseball. Experts say that tomorrow may be hard as far as fatigue goes. Nothing to do but wait and see.

That is my #1 frustration in all of this. All I can do is wait and see. I cannot make things better by myself. One of my many terrible character faults is my wanting to be able to handle it all on my own. Somethings at work are taken slow until I can figure out how to get it done. Sometimes relations with friends and family suffer due to my secret desire to always hold an upper hand. There is no doubt that this approach affects even my relationship with God. This time there is no way for me to handle this alone. Trust is the key subject on my discovery list now.

Don't think that my approach will lack taking action. There are many things that I alone can do in the process of treatment. I can eat right, take my medicine, keep exercising and stuff like that. But I also have to have more trust in the facts of the potential success for years of good health because of medicine and miracles. God is giving me more than I can bear as an invitation to trust Him. Scripture says that He has huge shoulders. We are to cast our burdens onto Him. Trust me, I will be fighting through this ordeal. But I also need to know who the real enemy is here. Sometimes my foe will be the disease along with treatments. But sometimes the biggest obstacle to getting healthy is me. So my goal is to keep turning my failures over to Him. Then the medicine can do its part while there is room open for God to act in me.

Bro. Trey

Today was my first time for treatment for cancer. The doctor is prescribing a very powerful combination of drugs. My scans say that there is not a huge amount of cancer anywhere. Sure, there is much more than anyone would desire. I'd take zero disease over this. My question to one of my nurses was to ask if all this is worth it? She assures me that this will make a huge difference in time. One of the volunteers at the cancer center also shares my diagnosis. She is in great health 12 years after her first experience. She may be in better health than me! That in itself is another small reason for feeling positive.

Of course there was the usual trip to the lab for more blood taking. My life would be very complete should this body never face another needle. Then it was into the treatment area of the clinic. There are multiple cubicles for the patient to rest, read, or watch the small screen television that hangs in each one. The volunteers come by often to see if we need anything. I got me lots of orange juice along with some coffee. They even gave me snacks so my tummy would not be so lonely. There was time for a nap. I read most of a new novel that I purchased recently. Sometimes it was good to just sit back with eyes closed to reflect.

One of the things that caught my attention was how the anxiety of the last few days was basically non existent. It was just time to get on this horse and ride. The actual procedure took most of the work day. A new drug is being used in treatment that is given slowly on the first day. My return trip will not be quite so long we hope. There was a room full of patients with me also taking chemotherapy. Most were older than me but there was one young man there for his last cycle who is 15 years younger. I even drove home after all the events of the day. At the time of this writing my body feels just fine. Maybe that will not change a lot over the next 48 hours. It would make me one very happy chemo camper.

On the topic that draws the most attention about chemotherapy I am happy to report no upset stomach. Again, that fact may change over the next few days but for now there is no hint of nausea. My doctor puts lots of stomach medicine into the IV's as well as sent me home with two more medications to fight off feeling sick. Let's pray that it works. We will try to turn to some of the lessons learned over the last few weeks. Perhaps that will start tomorrow if my body holds up. Part of my treatment is a massive amount of steroids that will aid the chemo in doing its thing. All of this combined is the "front line" of therapy. My hope is in God but my method at this moment is through the medicine.

Let's stop there for the night. Just wanted to offer up some record of the events today. Thank you whoever my read this blog for your prayers. They mean more than could ever be said.

Bro. Trey

Usually this is the night that I enjoy just sitting back and unwinding. It is Sunday night and time gets spent reviewing the events of the day. This night is far different than any other. Tomorrow is my first day of treatment for cancer. The night almost feels like it should come with a last meal. Let's hope that tomorrow night we can report no major side effects from the day. The turmoil leading up to this is more than enough to bring its own issues. I need to remember that the world will not end tomorrow. That is in spite of what my emotions are doing lately.

Yesterday was a great day. We kind of went as a family to see Wicked the musical in Dallas. I say kind of as we met up at the theater. My youngest and I left in the morning from here to meet the girls there. Half of the fun was being with him for the day. This musical has been circled on his calendar since the day of the ticket purchase. He kept peeking through the doors into the theater waiting for them to open. He sat mostly still while absorbing every sight and sound. He absolutely made my day. It was much better than sitting at home counting down to the visit tomorrow.

The statistics and such are very much in my favor. Treatment has a very high success rate. Research is slow to develop but there are reasons for hope in the medical advances. It very well may be that this disease goes into total remission over the next few months. There are no promises but if my case can be anywhere near normal then the odds are in my favor. That is easy to forget as time moves along very slowly. Here is where my struggle begins.

Let me confess to having great anxiety in the last few days. Perhaps some of it just stems from the side effects of chemotherapy. No one could look forward to the diverse outcomes when you introduce a violent mix of chemicals into your body. No doubt that these thoughts lead to fear. Part of me thinks that the sum total of the last few weeks is taking its toll. Six weeks ago I was a fairly normal healthy guy. Tonight I am headed into the dungeon of treatment. It is more than a little frustrating to wrap your mind around. Even if my case is in good hands it does not eliminate my irritation at the predicament. My worries also include the effects that treatment may have on my family along with life in general.

Today is a good example on the wear and tear of all of this. The morning message was light years away from a masterpiece. If you look at my calendar from last week you will see that I was doing doctor stuff four days out of the five. Concentrating on study was difficult for me. I do not want what work that I do to suffer during this time. Maybe the number of trips will slow down so there is time to prepare. We haven't even yet mentioned guilt as one of the indirect events of this diagnosis. We will save that for another time. Let's close tonight with me saying that there is on way of knowing what will or will not happen tomorrow or following. My hope and prayer is all of this with God's help will benefit others somehow. We will let you know as soon as possible how it all goes. Until then, my prayer is just for God to display Himself in whatever happens.

Bro. Trey

Let's be honest. Today was a hard day. Physically, I still feel fine. It seems that will change in the next few weeks. Spiritually, I am holding my own. It would be better for me to tell you that my spiritual life is growing by leaps and bounds. Perhaps just calling it a process of growth is more accurate. Don't get me wrong. I am grateful more and more each day to God. His goodness does indeed outweigh any of the bad going on with this. Each day brings yet another promise from His word. But there have been no great moments of clarity that overwhelm me. It is just day to day fighting off the negative to be in a place to receive new truth.

Oh, this is a good time to mention that writing here may be less frequent after Monday. It seems that between the medicines and the treatment I can look forward to the possibility of emotional upheaval. I promise not to write should that happen. If there is no solid footing both emotionally and spiritually then it will be best not to blog. You do not deserve to read the feelings that may be prevalent. It sounds like there is the potential for a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde transformation between the treatment along with the steroids. Doesn't this sound like fun?

Anyway, today was not easy. I am beginning to think that my doctor just doesn't want me to be optimistic. Yes, I am sick. Yes, I have more of this cancer than we first thought. But, there is no reason not to hope for total remission along the way. Again, I do indeed ask God to heal me. There is no doubt in my mind that this cannot be a time for miracles. Somehow I tend to feel worse after seeing her than when my visit started. It really irritates me to the point of wanting even more to be successful in treatment or even made whole. My reason is just to show her that it can be done. Who knows? It could even be a witness for her journey of faith.

The night is better. Most of the anxiety is gone. It took some extra praying but when is that a bad thing? Tomorrow my son and I head for the big city to take in a musical production. This event is the biggest thing on his calendar. That means it is an important day to me. We get lots of time to ride and just be silly. God is still good. Life is still good. There will be days when the weight of all this gets to me. Bear with me until either it passes or God offers a new word for the occasion. I know that probably no one but me reads this but for the one who passes by it is a reminder. My belief is that God gives us grace to live each day. That is my anchor for the momentary squalls of fear. Maybe it can be yours also.

Bro. Trey

Got my new body part added today. Had a device implanted for upcoming treatment. Was an easy thing to do. Mostly I just laid there while they did all the work. I even got to avoid the being put to sleep thing so there was no problem eating afterward. There will be adjustments to be made over the next week or so. It is a good thing to avoid getting the area wet so it looks like part bath and part rinse for awhile. We will return back to normal once the area heals over. Maybe it is best to say we will return to as normal as it will get.

My hope is that before long we can write about other things than what ails me. I think that I am quickly approaching information overload. The Internet can be a source of excellent stuff to guide you in any area of life. It can also confuse, depress, and generally irritate you. There are indeed some people who believe anything on the web these days. Some even take every email as a source of divine truth. My suggestion is to take more than you would imagine with a grain of salt. Sometimes it is possible to read too much on any one topic.

My illness is mine alone. There really is no one person who can give any prognosis on what may or may not happen. Let's be honest. God alone knows the number of our days. When you look to information, or science, or doctors for guidance you may end up disappointed. This is not some pop psychology or clever thinking. It really is the truth. Most of my reading lately takes place in the Psalms. Many years ago, David will remind us that real eternal counsel comes from God. This is what works for me.

I hate the thought of struggling emotionally or spiritually along the way in this journey. People around me deserve better than any dwelling on this situation. My real hope is to get past all of this testing and treatment to return to just living. It's a given that things will never be the normal that they were. The good news is that it can be an even better normal. All of our earthly trials will come to an end at some point. What we will have left is the truth we gained along the way. That is the good news of the day.

Bro. Trey

This entire journey into this illness is uncharted territory for me. Most of my years are a record of relatively good health. I was in the hospital only twice before now in my 49 years. The first time was for my actual birth. That was back in New Orleans when I entered this world. The other time was in Houston to repair a detached retina two weeks after my daughter was born. Any bones that were broken were small and mostly taped up. It's even been a few years since the flu visited me in any shape or form. Believe me when I say that I am grateful for God's goodness over my life.

I surely never expected to deal with any kind of illness like cancer. If nowhere is truly a place then that is where it came out of recently. For almost twenty years my routine revolved around getting regular exercise. I never inhaled nicotine directly much less any other drug. No doubt this is one reason why this diagnosis is so hard to wrap my mind around. There are still no other symptoms of cancer other than what the tests revealed. My weight is still the same. Yesterday, I got in my usual three mile walk/run in very good shape. Tonight, I just had time to do some weight lifting and felt as strong as ever. Yet in two days the doctors will slice me open to insert a device so we can commence chemotherapy. It just feels so weird.

One of my real major struggles if not a sin is the obsessing over what is going on with me. I do think God is dealing with some major fears in my approach to life. The problem for me is to keep my head on straight when others feel anxious around me. God gifted me with a personality that can pick up the emotions of others without a word being said. It is as if He gave me an internal antenna to sympathize with what people are feeling. Many times that is a wonderful gift in the midst of ministry. Yet in my own adventure of adversity it can be a detriment to staying tuned into Him. My focus needs to be on what God is doing not always what others are feeling.

Perhaps this is a reason I get weary of talking about being sick. That does not mean weary in terms of not wanting others to care or offer encouragement. It just means that for me it can actually cause fatigue. One good thing about my job is it allows me to tell lots of people at one time what is exactly going on with me. Plus there is this blog which gives me the freedom to pass along information in a safe setting. My disease cannot be allowed to define me. My attention is coming more and more to rest in what God says along the way. Sometimes this may mean that I just don't want to ramble on about this. I already have the cancer. Now what I need is the strength to build a life based on this new normal. My church family is doing a wonderful job of helping that happen. My heart is full of gratitude for every word or action they grace me with as I go. To them I say thank you. God is going to do something amazing in these days. I know because it already started with His presence being more real to me. My hope is that it won't take something awful for you to also discover this gift.

Bro. Trey

This is the second day after the big reveal of yesterday. Wish there was better news to report but it appears the illness remains. Adjustment to any life change takes more than 24 hours. To fully comprehend a significant change will take more than 48 hours. Perhaps there are people who can just roll with the flow in life but that isn't my story. However, the original kick in the gut is giving away to mere butterflies. The facts are not going to be any different without divine intervention so the best thing to do is to deal with reality.

That is where for many people it becomes confusing. Any enormous setback in the plans of life will affect more than just a single situation. We have to deal with the personal elements of a crisis. Most of that concerns just realizing how human we are. We really are not invulnerable to real life. Then you have to take into account the impact of the setback into the lives of those you care about. How can you balance self care with also caring for those who really matter? A big issue is all of the "what ifs" that crash into your cranium. This is just more frustrating as it adds to the list of things beyond your control. The temptation is to tackle each question until solved even though it may not be possible. Instead of focusing on what you can control, you end up chasing your tail trying to keep everything together. You forget the reason for the "what ifs" is that everything just came apart.

Unfortunately, my mind is one of those prone to the "what ifs." This is where the roller coaster begins with no promise of coming to an end. Honestly, this is one of the weakest areas of my character. Fear can begin to overcome the faith you aim to keep. For example, my disease seems to be very treatable. There will be the physical symptoms while going through treatment but the information suggests that there is reason for optimism. I don't mean a false optimism but there can be real promise of health before long. The key is to keep myself off the roller coaster.

How does faith fit into all of this? One thing that is true is God can do anything He chooses. I will indeed look for and ask Him for healing. Should that answer not come then my desire is to learn to let His resources fill in any gaps. That is part of the idea of asking God for daily bread. We depend on Him for the stuff we need to get through the day. Sometimes that help comes from His word. There are times it comes from others. My youngest and I took off and went to town today. That time with him was terrific in quieting the butterflies. Prayer does take on a whole new zeal during these days. It helps me try to keep my mind off me and onto the bigger issues. We tend to want God's best stuff without really wanting Him. So we keep at the praying until we discover just how great He really is. That is when His strength is more than able to work through our weakness. Let's hope we all discover that no matter the crisis.

Bro. Trey

I did not realize it has been so long without posting here. My mind lost track of the days as the week rolls along. Anyway, today was the big reveal at the doctor's office. This is what we waited on during all the tests last week. The result is a mixed bag of the good and the bad. The bad is that there is indeed a disease lurking in my body. The good is that there are lots of ways to treat it. My emotions are still obviously in a bit of upheaval but the good outweighs the bad. That is where my focus is trying to remain.

We still have a doctor up at the Mayo Clinic who is reviewing the results for us. It may be that he finds other options for us. Let me suggest that no right thinking person consult the Internet for information. Far too much of it is depressing. But my reading tonight said that my illness is very treatable and not always life threatening. There are constant advances along with research with cancer that makes it much more bearable. Medically speaking, I am in good shape.

I have to confess to some anger along the way today. Mostly it is just irritating to consider going to all of this trouble now. Is there any anger at God? No. He is going to handle this just fine. Some people say that He does not give us more than we can handle. I stopped thinking that a few years ago. Why do we need faith if life is manageable? This is why my confidence in Him is not shaken. I am frustrated with the interruption but not at all with God.

Earlier today I just decided that I am going to live. Medical aspects of this cancer says that is a given. But my decision was much more driven from my gut or heart. It was part of a prayer. We all get this time while we are living. Some choose to invest it in the temporary. Some take the long view that there is far more to life than this. I do not look forward to the emotional up and downs that may head my way. But this person is choosing to stay here a long time. Life is still good. God is still great. That will not change no matter what.

Bro. Trey

It is a quiet Sunday night here. Sometimes people ask me if or what music I might play when alone in the office. The answer is none. Guess my personality does not mind hearing the sound of silence. Some of that is surely due to the noise in the house when my youngest is awake. He tends to like things loud. Any occasion to just absorb the quiet is a welcome change for me. There are people who enjoy noise on a constant basis. Do not count me as one of them.

The early church believed that solitude along with silence was an essential spiritual discipline. We are not talking about those who choose to live the life of a monk. Those early believers took the model of Jesus seriously. The gospels tell us that He would go off to be alone to pray. I think we can use a little sanctified imagination to guess He also just spent time letting the quiet settle His spirit. Never forget that Jesus was fully human while among us. He dealt with the same issues as we even if circumstances were different. He had needy people around who could weigh on His mind. He had an agenda to life that sometimes cut contrary to the agendas of those around Him. He faced demands in the spiritual, emotional, and physical areas of living. This is why He seems to return from those quiet times recharged to face the moment.

We also live with a divine purpose. It is true that some followers don't seem to grasp that. This does not lessen the reality that each believer carries an eternal reason to life. But where Jesus walked everywhere we face the mad rush of traffic. Where Jesus did not have any phones to answer we have cell phones attached at the hip. Where Jesus did not have a 9-5 job we have demands all around. If quiet was important to Him, should that same discipline not matter to us?

Do you really have to answer that email immediately? Do you have to wear fingers to a nub dialing or texting on the phone? Do you really have to end up with your life being at the whim of someone else's schedule? Maybe life would be better served with a little more quiet. You could spend that time reflecting on something God is trying to tell you. You might spend that time praying for wisdom on the events in your world. You could even just sit quiet while the noise around you drifts away. If you are too busy for those quiet moments then perhaps you are just too busy? If you don't mind, I will go finish some quiet moments before retiring for the night.

Bro. Trey

All of the tests are finally done. The last one was this morning for a Cat Scan. This week was swallowed whole by the coming and going to the clinic. Now all that remains is getting the results. We won't know the answers until next Thursday. It could go any one of a number of ways. It rests in God's hands now. That really isn't a bad place to be.

Honestly, I feel a bit weary tonight. Most of it is the emotional let down of getting past all of the exams. My habit is to gear up some for things like this. Three times in a week is a lot of getting ready for the unexpected. It seems like one should be at their best in times like this. I am not the only one traveling this road. My idea is that you should be at your best for others even if they approach you with needles. Some of the fatigue is just having the huge shift in the normal pattern of living. There were a few nights when sleep did not come easy. My exercise routine feel by the wayside. It has been a long week.

Vince Lombardi once said that fatigue makes cowards of us all. His aim was to push his football team into peak physical condition so they would be at their best with the game on the line. His record speaks for itself seeing as the Super Bowl trophy is named after him. Coach Lombardi was absolutely right. When we become tired in any area of our life then we lose our edge. What makes it worse is how it bleeds over into each area of our life. The key is to keep yourself from becoming so fatigued that you make bad decisions or fail to meet your opportunities. We become bored to the point we fail to follow God's guidance. We become afraid of any new risk from the fear of losing what we do have.

This is still one of my concerns should my diagnosis prove true. How can you balance all of the things that will be happening? Maybe it is just one of those things you have to learn for yourself. I know that you cannot begin to succeed at this without God's help. King David let himself become bored and fatigued in his life. It was the beginning of real problems for him. Perhaps there are no answers tonight other than just thinking out loud. Maybe it will all look different after a night of rest. We shall see.

Bro. Trey

Today was bone marrow biopsy day. It is not nearly as painful as some people describe. However, it is not something anyone wants to do on a regular basis. Maybe it is some type of test to see how tough you are. If you can stand the exam then you can handle anything else that comes your way. There really should be some type of medal for people who undergo the procedure. Maybe we can all get t-shirts to celebrate our achievement?

It all began with three women strangers staring at my bare backside. Now all are in the medical field but it is still a little challenging to consider. Maybe it was just me but it all seemed to go downhill when one of them inserted a very large needle into my bone. There really is not a lot of pain but it does feel peculiar. One problem occurred when the needle was close to the sciatic nerve along the right hip. My leg wanted to pull up involuntarily with every motion. I suggested that perhaps it would be better for the needle to move to another location. We then finished the test without much more fanfare.

My attitude is holding up these days. Part of that is that I just cannot imagine that my body might be sick. My weight even went up during the last week. False hope is surely something to be avoided. We may get horrible news next week. That is just reality. It is also true that the news may be far better than can be imagined. You will not hear me complain one bit if that is true. Whatever happens is going to be for a reason. That is not just a cliche. It is the truth.

God's best is not limited to the conditions of the moment. He cares for us in good times or in bad. He understands our life along with our doubts or faith. He does not make mistakes. We see life usually as just here and now. God's vision looks far past that. I trust Him to do good no matter what medical experts say. You can trust that He will provide limitless resources to us on the basis of His character. He remains our Shepherd so that we do not want for His help. We just need to find the humility to ask.

Bro. Trey

Tomorrow is the big test it seems. It is my luck to endure a bone marrow biopsy in the morning. Let's hope they get everything right the first time. The details of the exam are a bit gruesome but they do not bother me. Either I have great faith all will go well or it is being foolish to overlook what will happen. Guess we will all know about noon tomorrow which description is accurate. I am holding out for the faith idea.

The main thing is that the doctor finds out what is or is not going on with my body. Many of my friends and family are praying for me to be well. I know that is a distinct possibility. As said here before, I do not discount an act of divine healing to be possible. Some may ask why would God allow a horrific diagnosis only to turn around and grant healing? Here is my best answer. I just do not know. My trust is in Him just because of who He is. On several occasions my brain has tried to wrestle with the whole good versus bad issue in the lives of others. On no occasion did my brain find a logical answer. Job probably had the best approach when he asked, "should we accept only good and not adversity from God?"

Let offer a suggestion to any who face difficult diagnosis. Do not go to the Internet so you can find optimism about your condition. I spent some time this evening looking at statistics and such for my illness. It is enough to make you almost give up before you get started. A few minutes researching for answers makes you wish that you never asked the question. It is true that I am now a statistic. It is also true that there is far more to life than that.

Real healing lies in the drawing near to God. Each of our bodies eventually give out. Now my hope is that it is later rather than sooner but it will happen. Hope is not in statistics or in trying to rationalize what God may want to do with a life. We will find hope by looking past all of the so called facts into the eternal reality we have in Jesus. Each day of living is a gift from God. Every life matters eternally to Him. It is not the absence of problems that makes life great. The issue is whether or not we are connected to Him. That is peace. That is peace no one can add to a statistic. It is a peace we cannot always wrap our minds around. So be it.

Bro. Trey

Today is very confusing. Three day holidays tend to throw me off stride and this weekend is no exception. My youngest and I got out yesterday for some shopping and general escaping. Once if not twice my mind told me that Monday was Saturday. We usually get out on the weekend. Yet, when today got started my mind told me that it was Monday and not Tuesday. It's not the whole Star Trek time/space continuum idea but it was disorienting on occasion. Perhaps the best idea is to just go one day at a time until the days rejoin the brain.

Today was my first serious test since my diagnosis. It was my pleasure to spend the afternoon prepping and then undergoing a Pet Scan. What makes this exam even more enjoyable is the fact one has to fast until time to begin. Since my appointment was at 2:30 then it means the whole day was spent prior enjoying nothing but water. The other great thing about this is the preparation which does indeed include drinking some really nasty stuff. No amount of hunger could make that mixture taste anywhere near good. This is all new territory for me. I am sure that my questions seem inane but I'd rather not be lost or late to anything.

Tomorrow is a day off from testing. My next big moment comes Thursday. That is the day of my bone marrow biopsy. I googled the test only to find that somethings are best left unknown. The phrase "big needle" is repeated throughout the description of the procedure. There are two holes already in my body. One is in the left arm from lab work and the other is in the right arm from the injection today. We add one more in two days. They sure better get good information from the test. It seems unlikely that I would volunteer to have another anytime soon.

Perspective seems important in times like this. There are many people in our circle whose difficulties exceed our own. As was said earlier, there seems little room for pity even with this diagnosis. I am not alone in my journey. One of the biggest mistakes people make with their problems is in thinking theirs is the only one in the universe. When you believe that your problem is larger than anyone else then you isolate yourself from both God and others. We have no need to live in denial but we also need to avoid a selfish vision that ignores all else around us. We can be realistic about life while remaining healthy. The aim is to be as realistic about God as we are the situation. What is hard about this is that it calls us to see beyond our moment. It calls for a humility that we may lack. Let's pray for that attitude as we pray for every other action we long to see God do.

Bro. Trey