Friday is usually the day without blogging. It does get hard to generate decent to good ideas every day of the week. Columnists at newspapers write only a few days each week. But we are trying to be consistent here so we aim for almost every day. Let's take a night off from talking about my disease. Sometimes I reach a point of saturation on that. We can thank CNN for putting up some news that will serve as our topic of the day. We may even try to be a bit controversial. Well, it may not be controversial as much as it makes me think. Thinking is good for a person. Too often we believers skip thinking to move to reciting what someone else says. A little cranial exercise never hurt anyone.

Today CNN posted something on its website that drew my attention. Anne Rice is a prolific author who lives in New Orleans. She first came to fame by writing of creatures of the night. I read her most famous book but never did get all the fuss. Several more books followed about scary stuff which you can find in the horror section of your bookstore. Then a few years ago she made a complete turnaround. She wrote of rediscovering her faith in Jesus after some very serious crises. Her writings were born out of her Catholic background but they did reflect some deep thought about Jesus. It became obvious that her previous readers felt slighted to even feeling outraged. Her new books on the Christian faith were equally popular to the faithful that bought them. CNN reported today of something she wrote very recently that will make the average person begin to wonder.

She writes that she is leaving Christianity. Her reason is that she refuses to be against many things we tend to take up arms about. Later she will write that her faith in Jesus is still central to her life. Her world view was once of pessimistic atheism. Now she speaks of being optimistic in the care of a loving God. She refers to the tendency among us who believe to be mean spirited, quarrelsome, and hostile. The final words tell of her desire to continue following Jesus in her life. She says that being a Christian is about following Jesus first. Who can argue with that?

I know where she is coming from. We have to admit where we as believers tend to be at least a bit ugly in our character. How often do churches describe themselves as friendly until you attend a business meeting? Let me just go ahead and be brutally honest here. Since I am sick there is little need to hold back. I cannot disagree with her thinking at all. The church drives away way too many people because of mean spirited behavior. We have cliques that end up wrestling for power instead of following the One who is all power. We say things both in front of and behind the backs of other followers that are indefensible. We treat others with a cruelty that we would not do to our pets. My heart just gets sick each time something like this happens. Being a follower of Jesus was never intended to be a full contact sport.

My political point of view tends to the conservative. Most believers today tend to vote the same way. But why do we want the government out of the abortion issue while turning around to have it legislate prayer or other similar things? Do not get me wrong. My mind cannot relate to any reason to be pro abortion. But does that give me the right to be hateful to those who are? I've said before that I generally like our President. That does not mean I agree with much of his positions if any of them. Odds are if he is for it then I am against it. But does that give me the right to wish bad things for him? My prayer for him is that he will integrate the faith that he claims into his policy. I want him to succeed as a father and husband. That doesn't mean I want him to raise my taxes but there is still the need to pray for him. What about those who live in lifestyles outside my moral code? Do we just criticize their choice with an ugly style or should we extend the love of God to them? We can go on and on but you get my general point.

Being truly Christian is first and always about following Jesus. It means loving those who He loves. It calls for us to look past our particular filters on life to see as He sees. It means guarding our heart against all meanness so we can radiate His love. Maybe there will come a time when the followers of Jesus will be known by their likeness to Him. That day is not here now. All I know to do is to ask for it to begin with me. Now will you consider doing the same?

Bro. Trey

There was a party this afternoon at my house. It was time to buzz cut the hair. One good thing about this is there should be no big reason to write anymore about it here. There is no hair to talk about anymore. It was just falling off in the shower. It got all in my face while towel drying my hair. Today was the last straw. I cleaned out the shower of the mess. I looked in the mirror at the serious balding taking place on the top of my head. We have some shears we use on my youngest in an emergency. I pulled them out then announced it was time. Enough is enough! So we gathered in the bathroom to celebrate my liberation from hair loss.

My youngest did not know exactly what to think. He really was not happy with the proceedings. He kept saying no as only he can. So I took his hand to tell him that it should be back to normal by Christmas. This piece of news calmed his anxiety. Know that it's been well over forty five years since my hair was buzzed. In high school my locks grew past the ear nearly to the shoulder. Hair flew everywhere while the party went on. Someone asked me if it hurt? My response was that it is a hair cut and not brain surgery. When all was said and done there was still a lot of hair on me or the floor. I finished with my beard trimmer to work around the ears plus get it evened out. The best way to describe the outcome is that I look like a Marine recruit. I kinda like it.

The head is not shaved. Yet. That may come in the weeks to follow. Right now it is a really nice summer cut. Today was mowing day so we tried out the new style while riding the tractor. Feels pretty good to get a bit sweaty without having a huge need to shampoo following. Who knows? This may become my style even after the treatments stop. One big question is what will come back there if anything after chemo? More than a few people get a new hair color. Some go from straight hair to curly. Yes, life is an adventure. Maybe it's the hairy details that drag us down.

Now we can talk about other stuff here on the blog. Hair today, gone tomorrow. Buzzing my hair bothers me not at all. It was fun to have everyone hanging around to watch it disappear. Part of me wonders if that isn't true for much more than haircuts. Do not get me wrong. We face trials that absolutely kick us in the gut. Yet I still wonder how much it must aggravate our adversary when we celebrate even in arduous times. David would write many of his Psalms while in big trouble. Most, if not all times he will still find a reason to praise God. Even when life falls apart around us we can still find a reason to get God involved in the situation. That allows us to laugh even when others wonder why we do not cry. My hope would be for you to discover the greatness of God even in the worst times of our life. Laugh at the enemy just to show how little you are scared. Let him hear you laugh because your relationship with God is so much bigger than anything the enemy throws at us.

Bro. Trey

Tonight was a very difficult conversation with my son. Chances are that it was the most difficult talk together since his birth. His being autistic makes most of our discussions hard. The problem with tonight is in what I needed to say. He doesn't really know why Dad goes to the doctor so often. That information is probably beyond his capacity to grasp. I don't mind. It lets me just be Dad with him. So what was the topic that made this evening so tough? I had to tell him that my hair is about to evaporate. Well, I told him it was about to go away. He looked at me funny for a minute. Then he said something about getting a haircut. Those words made me laugh out loud. I promised him that if or when we get the haircut that he could help. We will make it a party.

Yes, the hair is about to be gone with the wind. I make light of that a lot in person or here on the blog. For years I would say that my hair is so thick that even chemo probably wouldn't hurt it. Now I know different. I noticed this morning while brushing my hair that it was snowing more hair than was being brushed. This afternoon I got to exercise so there was a need for another shower before church. You should see the glob of hair collected on the drain! It did get picked up so the water would run out. Brushing my hair makes me feel like there is one huge shedding cat sitting on my face. One good thing is all the money being saved not getting haircuts.

Do not cry for me over this. Losing hair is just part of the journey of treatment. Remember that I would rather be bald and healthy. I even worked on a song for this occasion. The words will be put to the tune, New York by Frank Sinatra. "Start spreading the news, my hair is falling away. I will make a brand new start of it. When I get new hair!" There is more including a big ending but that is enough for now. If you know the tune then you get the picture. My biggest concern is that my head may be two toned since it is summer. Maybe there is a tanning bed somewhere just for the head?

Change is coming for me. Just do not think that scares me. Change happens as a constant no matter how much we fear it. Even using the phrase "spiritual growth" means we are always becoming new. People who do not embrace change become those left in the stale sameness of the status quo. We are not saved to God so we can get stuck somewhere in the journey. We all get older but not all of us grow into maturity. I read somewhere that the only person who really likes change is a baby with a wet diaper. That was not always true with my two children! If we are ever going to be all God intends then we have to face the reality of change. We may not lose our hair but we will lose habits, ideas or failures along the way. Doing that leaves room for God to make us healthy. Now if you will excuse me, I need to look online for some dreadlocks to rent.

Bro. Trey

Odds are good that not every blog post will be worthwhile. I can try my best but there is little doubt some will fall short. Some nights there just is no serious inspiration. Then there are other times when the words flow easily from the fingertips. My guess this is one of the slow nights rather than the latter. Just means it will be a good night to keep things short. Some bloggers seem to hit a home run most of the time when they write. I am content with just getting up to bat when it comes to blogging.

No news to report on dealing with my disease. This is a good, quiet week prior to round three. All of the steroids seem to be gone. We will pick those up again next Monday. Things can't be any harder than it was round two with them. The first weekend following treatment tends to be difficult due to that medication. My hair is somewhat still here. Looks to me as if there is some thinning going on but I am trying to baby my hair. Right now my body feels good with no need for complaining.

Most of today was spent doing house stuff. I try to do my part to make life easier around here. All of the laundry got done this afternoon. I even did some cooking afterward. No one will mistake me for a chef but there are a few things I can cook. Well, maybe it would be better to say that there are somethings I can grill without burning. Tomorrow is the day when my youngest will join me for an adventure to the store. We need to stock up on supplies before the weather returns to blazing hot. Chasing him when the temperature is over 100 is not fun at all. The whole point is that it was a good feeling to just do the usual things around the house.

My hope would be for you to grasp just how good it is to have a day of the usual. Usually we preachers talk about how we should get God to do the unusual. That is our frequent refrain. Sometimes it seems easy to forget the simple joys of a normal day. For me that means a day with no doctors or needles. There is nothing at all wrong with the exciting in life. One drawback is we may think of a quiet day as one that is bad. My quiet day is not bad at all. Tomorrow may be different but God allowed me today to catch my breath. May you learn to enjoy your days no matter how they may go.

Bro. Trey

We are unusually late getting to the blog this evening. I was reading a novel and lost track of the time. This isn't that uncommon for me. Much of my life revolves around reading. Legend has it that I was reading at an early age. Guess it was such an early age that I don't remember it. What does stick in my mind is a love of stories beginning with the always important comic book. My guess is back in the 1960s that more than a few young boys began their education not with the first grade reader but comic books. Yes, I do remember reading in the first grade. Seems like much of that time that I was slightly perturbed at others in the class who didn't seem to have the hang of it.

I spent more hours in the school library than anyone else. Every day seemed to find me looking for a new book in there to read. When that didn't happen I just went back and read books again. Let me confess to being ejected from a math class in high school because I was reading and not doing algebra. This really wasn't a mean thing. I could not blame the teacher for doing so. Of course it may be the reason that my grade barely got past the level for passing in math. To this day I swear that the teacher let me out of algebra as long as I promised to never come back. Either way, I decided that was the last math class for me. It is true that reading is not for everyone. It just seems to still be one of my great joys after all of these years.

This summer presents more than a little time for this hobby. My goal is to keep a few books set aside for the days when I receive treatment at the clinic. Just watching television is not enough. Many of the patients sleep while being connected to the medicine. Some bring pillows, ear plugs or even special eye wear so they can dream away. I think there might have been a nap my first day of therapy. The rest of the time though is spent reading. I try to take something fun to read along with something more serious. I very much enjoyed reading To Kill A Mockingbird again. It is the only novel Harper Lee ever wrote. Tonight I was finishing a book that I just can't tell you about. It is the last of a series that spanned several years. There are no real bad words in it. But someone once wrote to me to let me know just how evil it is. No, this person never read the books but some Christian somewhere already told them of how awful it is. It seems strange to me how often we criticize things when we know so little about it.

The best theology professor that I ever had wasn't one at all. She was a divorced, Catholic, somewhat liberal history teacher in college. Her words stuck with me one day just as she uttered them. She asked how can we ever debate much less defend what we believe if we have no clue why we believe in the first place? Atticus Finch asked Scout in To Kill A Mockingbird how anyone can be critical of another if we do not first try to put ourself in their shoes. I like Atticus Finch a lot. One of my core values is to avoid dismissing an idea or thought just because I may not like what it says or even who said it. This doesn't always make life easy. It does help me be a better person.

I may not be politically liberal but I do try to get a handle on why people are that way. I am surely not a theological free thinker but I do try to challenge my beliefs by being exposed to some of what people like that write. The book that I finished tonight is ridiculed by many people of good faith who never look beyond the surface. Do not think this is a criticism of them. This is only a glimpse into what or why my beliefs become valid. Jesus came into a world challenging the core concepts of His day. He spoke God's truth to the point it became one of the causes of His death. There were those who already worshipped what they knew and could not accept the reality of what they heard of saw from Jesus. I do not want to go down that same road. We can and should be selective on what we read. I do not feel the need to stir up inner outrage when someone is so obviously opposed to my beliefs. But there can be a place where we learn to do more than take other's opinions as our own. So, what good is your faith if you do not know what you believe or why?

Bro. Trey

When I was younger I thought preaching was a strong suit of mine. Please do not read this as anything close to bragging. It just seemed that my personal gifts grew out of a natural, God given ability for public speaking. Getting up in front of crowds never did bother me at any age. I even had an almost leading role in our senior play in high school. Fortunately my character was cleared of the murder. On one occasion I found myself serving as host of our school band during a spring concert. The shift to the preaching role is one that came easy for me. People used to talk about my ability even in the early years of speaking to churches. One church even called me to be their pastor following my sermon during a community service. God does indeed deserve any credit for any of this. I am just laying a foundation for the rest of this post.

Looking back at old sermon notes is very humbling. It took years of learning good study habits to get to a point where the material is worth keeping. Even today the most important stuff in my files are not the sermon outlines but the bible study that precedes the message. And yet there was really something about those early sermons that went beyond what is written down on paper. There were and still are some awful sermons in my records. The vast majority of the time if God didn't come through on Sunday we were in deep trouble. Something happened along the way during the years. My messages were probably technically better but something was lacking. I can admit that even if not sure the cause but knowing something changed.

Last week I spent some time reviewing old files and such in the office. A trash can ended up overflowing with things no longer needed. My attention also turned to some of the sermon notes from my almost ten years here. There was nothing really wrong with much of what I read. Topics that were covered were timely and needed. The interpretation was sound as that is one thing that I am a stickler about. Still, there was something about those sermons just out of whack as we say. My finger is still not landing on what may be the cause. I might tell you if or when I get a clear answer. I also may not. More than a few people could say that there was nothing technically wrong with my sermons. Maybe that is where my finger needs to land.

All of this is said to tell you just how amazing the last few Sunday went. When the fog of the diagnosis shock lifted there was something new going on with the sermons. July is proving to be a fantastic month here. My sermons once again had that missing "it" we wrote about earlier. Again, this is not cause I believe in my own talent that much. Any and all credit honestly belongs to God. We spent the last three Sundays diving deep into the truth of God's amazing grace. The worship as well as the messages went better than I could imagine. Each worship service seems to be even better than the one before. The preparation is really about the same each week. My outlines are not really technically better than prior ones. Maybe the difference is me. Could it be that coming into this medical crisis is a springboard for God to work in my heart? I am going to have to think on that awhile. For now I will simply give thanks to God for whatever He is doing. My hope and prayer is that I don't get in His way so even more will come our way.

Bro. Trey

Saturday is a good day for an early post to the old blog site. You have to admit that we were quite faithful writing this week. That doesn't mean that anything really deep was written but we are aiming for more consistency at the moment. One good thing about the recent rise of blogs is that it gives people the chance to write who would not ever get a book deal. Now is a day where anyone with a computer and Internet access can put up their thoughts for public consumption. I read a few other blogs when time allows. There are some very good writers out there. I do not claim to be one of them. Mine is rather pedestrian compared to some of the stuff on the web. Some have followers in the thousands who hang on every word. Mine is with any luck at least reaching double digits in readers. I will be happy with at least ten readers.

My youngest and I will soon head off to our local town for a time out. This will be my first trip there since Monday. Going to the doctor for various reasons almost every day a few weeks ago cured me of the need to make that drive more than this. We will head back on Monday when it is time to get stuck with a needle yet again. So far my best thinking says the treatments are working. We will probably get another scan sometime in August to check on if my idea is correct. I began this journey with cancer with not just a lot of the disease showing up. Like I said, there was more than one would want but not nearly as much as some people have. My illness tends to be one that is diagnosed later along. It usually responds very well to treatment. Time will tell if the prayers along with the ongoing therapy is having the same effect.

I did notice that the facial hair is slowing down in its growth rate. This cannot be a good sign. Now I am not referring to it being a bad side in the treatment phase. What this means is that my barber trips may soon be a thing of the past. Don't get me wrong. I would much rather be hairless and healthy. Maybe I just got too attached to my hair over the past 49 years. My plan is to have my daughter snap some photos tomorrow of me while at church. We may do a picture directory sometime in September. Vanity leads to wanting at least a few reminders of the days when there was hair on my head. I'm not giving up hope on keeping my hair. But I'd really rather be healthy when all is said and done.

Our students are about to get busy once again. The local high school band begins its activities this upcoming week. The first Monday of August is the day our athletes hit the fields and courts again. Sure seems like summers fly by even faster than before. Families have to rush to grab any time away on vacation. My plans for any trip out of town were lost following my diagnosis. I really wanted to drive to Minnesota this summer to visit my Dad. My desire was to just drive and see how the country changes on a closer level than flying high above. Now my summer essay would be about how I got stuck on a regular basis or filled up with dangerous chemicals. I think Minnesota sounds much better.

Tomorrow we will talk yet again about God's grace. Thank God after that fog of shock lifted that the preaching is much better. Well, to me it is much better but some may not think so. The last two Sundays have almost been fun at work. Tomorrow is the first Sunday in quite a few that I will not start the service in the baptistery. Plans are we will pick up the following Sunday again in the water. The whole point is that God is being very good to me. I am indeed a grateful man. I do not hesitate telling anyone who asks that my gratitude goes to Him. He may not do every single thing that I ask but He sure does do more than I can imagine. My motto remains to be healthy by miracle or medicine. I will even take a combination of those two things. His grace is more than enough for this journey. My hope is it can be more than enough for yours.

Bro. Trey

Let me officially proclaim this a good day. Seems to me that since it is my life that I can make such declarations. The day went very smooth plus I got lots of laundry done. Today was my fourth day in a row exercising so it was a tad tough but mission still accomplished. Looks like we may get needed rain next week so perhaps there is some time for me on the mower coming up. Our senior adults had their gathering tonight. The food was very good and the entertainment was even better. Finally, "our" team won their baseball game this evening. This will be a big series of games over the weekend so winning the first one helps. All that is left is to knock out my sermon outline for Sunday and we can put today behind us.

There was one emotional moment for me today. My son and I were just being goofy this afternoon when the feelings hit. He was listening along with singing to the musical "Wicked." This is the show we saw in Dallas back in June. We went on a Saturday prior to my first treatment the following Monday. That was also officially a great day. So as we are singing along today the emotions just ran me over. Tears began to build up then my voice cracked just a bit. Now this wasn't a bad thing just unexpected. My mind just went back to our day at the theater while the impact just took over. We hugged and I went on my way before things really broke down.

Is it so awful to feel so strongly about something that it moves you to tears? Jim Valvano died several years ago from my disease in a much different form. Just a few months prior to his passing he said that each day you should laugh some as well as cry some. Have something in your life worth moving you to tears. Usually our tears come from selfish means. We get mad or sad about things we want to control. But how often do we get moved in our emotions because we care so deeply about that which is important? My autistic son moves me often to grand emotions. Most of those emotions are joy and laughter. Today just happened to be a moment where all of my affection for him short circuited my normal calm.

A mother in the Dallas area was moved emotionally this week. She had two children under the age of five who were autistic. The past tense is used for a good reason. Seems that she grew weary of caring for those two innocent children so she simply took their life from them. One of her statements was to the effect that she wanted a "normal" life. That life will now probably be behind bars for the remainder of her life. Events like this make me terribly sad. Odds are good that such actions will be forever beyond my ability to understand. The answer to the questions of how and why just escape me.

May we grow in life to the place where we can be moved to tears over things that matter. Let's define that as those things that matter to the heart of God. Perhaps we will be moved in our hearts by that which moved Him. We may still not be able to explain that feeling. We will know that our life is full of Him. We will be closer to His heart of love.

Bro. Trey

I really do not think very often about death. My particular disease is not one of the more destructive types out there. With so many advances in treatment developing regularly it may be that some day I die with this illness rather than from it. Of course there are no guarantees in this life but this is my approach. Not every person is big on thinking about their mortality. Two months ago I thought that I had a handle on mine. Obviously a diagnosis of cancer with all the emotional upheaval changes that. It's a bit like one of my favorite characters said once in a movie. I'd been all around death but never had to face it head on. Now I have.

A long time family friend passed away just the other day. Realize that I have not seen her in thirty years or so. But when we were growing up there were several families we traveled with or had other ties with them. Now that my journey is bringing me back full circle to my hometown along with some of those people this passing becomes more present tense. I will not make the memorial though some of my family will attend. My family responsibilities will keep me from going. They will not keep me from remembering past times with fondness.

There also may be another death for me to face. One of my favorite writers is a man named James Lee Burke. I can't really suggest you read his mystery thrillers as they can be a bit on the rough side. His main character is Dave Robichaux. He is a detective whose adventures are on my reading list as soon as a new book comes out. Not to give away his latest plot but it may be that the author killed off this fictional hero in the end. Burke leaves the conclusion to the book very open ended. Even though a fictional person there was a real sense of shock at this event. All one can do is wait to see if there will be another book down the road.

I don't want to be so consumed waiting on a potential finality that the chance to live gets overlooked. My view is that we can and should realize our limits to this life but we do not have to just mark days off until it arrives. Even Jesus knew there were only so many days in His earthly journey. What I read is that He dove into those days with incredible passion. Some days were good days with healing and the such. Some days came with headaches over conflict or other marks of a lack of faith. He crashed into life knowing full well He could give more to it than death could take away. This is where I hope to be someday. Learn that the so called small moments of life really aren't. Know that each day is big because God is in it. Take full advantage of all God can do to make life count. Don't be surprised if or when death comes. Be satisfied that you lived to the fullest experience possible.

Bro. Trey

I promise that there were several ideas for writing running through my mind earlier. Somehow between then and now they either disappeared or were stolen. So now here we are typing away with not the faintest idea where any of this is going. Then again, most times even with an idea there is no clue where the writing will go. It can be a journey of blind faith just to start hitting the keys to see what happens. At least we are back to familiar surroundings for the writing.

The computer mentioned yesterday returned today all clean of bugs. If you do not know then let me tell you that I am no computer expert. My approach to all things technological is very old school. If something cannot be done by pointing and clicking then that is the end of my ability. You will not find me doing all the fancy stuff that even young kids can do today. I am still looking for the rotary dial on the phone. Old school is even how I deal with cell phones. My fingers are really too fat to text very well. I don't think that my interest would be gained in watching movies on that tiny screen. If I can make calls on a cell then my life is complete.

Now my youngest is very adept at things beyond my comprehension. He can work those game systems like a veteran. Not too long ago he even got the volume working on this computer. This was after I gave up on ever having sound here. You can be sure that tonight I kept plugging this thing into that thing until noise came from the speakers. It's so bad that when our television messes up that we call him to fix it. There are so many things that are beyond my ability or talent. My areas of expertise are pretty limited. Part of life is learning to live with limits.

The further that I travel in this new journey the more I know all that I don't know. Again, let me confess to on a few occasions thinking that I had all the answers. One reason for that is people expect the minister to have answers to their questions. However my reason was too often born of a low level pride or even a need to seem right. Reality grows almost daily that there is so much beyond my grasp. I am also becoming more and more comfortable with that truth. Our confidence with God can outweigh the amount of information that we may have. This is a much simpler way to live. We do not always have to know where the journey may take us. We do need to know we are anchored to God who lives beyond even our answers.

Bro. Trey

Thank goodness the steroids are finally wearing off. God knows that this weekend was not enjoyable in the physical sense. Don't get me wrong. I generally felt good. But 500 mg of that stuff over five days does build up in the end. Last night was a decent night of sleep. That was the first time in a few days that happened. I went and had my weekly blood work drawn this afternoon. No one called afterward so that means all systems are go. Thankfully I was able to get back into the gym this evening. Nothing feels better than about thirty minutes of cardio exercise followed by some weight lifting. I may be sick but I am still somewhat vain about it!

In other news, I need a haircut. Yes, the guy taking the massive chemo cocktail needs to visit a barber. It felt like my hair slowed down its normal growth rate after the first round. More than a few people lose their hair around day 21. I would swear that after round two that mine actually kicked in again on growing. Part of me does not want to cut the hair. Why aggravate it during treatment? Another part of me knows that if it returns to normal we will have a mess. My hair tends to get thick with waves that have their own mind of where to go. Should this pattern continue we will have a decision to make. For right now I am just going to wash, brush and enjoy it while it is here.

Today I met a man at the cancer center who I'd not seen before. Our schedules are probably different so our paths don't cross. One of the wonderful volunteers introduced me to him. He looks to be in his 70s or 80s. His wife was with him in the waiting room. My thought is here is a man who is using all of his life to his fullest. He just has that glow about him. Even though he is ill, it sure seems like he is going to get his money's worth here. What made it unusual is his attire. The volunteer told me that whenever he comes in for treatment or lab work that he wears a different hat. Today this man was wearing a great big three cornered pirate hat! He looked awesome! A new hero of mine was born in that moment. Why sit back in life waiting on the good or the bad? Be a pirate and relish all God gives us.

We tend to let our spiritual life become routine. I confess that this is something God is working me over about lately. We let the molehills become mountains while forgetting the essential truths. We wait for something out there to happen to fix our life. We watch as others dig into the simple wonder of living. Sadly this can become contagious to others around us. My honest admission is this sums up far too much of my earthly journey. One of my daily prayers now is that God will allow me to get as much out of every day as possible. It's not my job to worry about tomorrow but to soak up today. So even if my hair should take a leave of absence I know I can still wear a pirate hat and keep on going.

Bro. Trey

This was a very long few days. Sunday night never looked so good to me. My apologies for not writing before now since there is no one to blame but myself. The first week of every treatment is when my regimen calls for a healthy dose of steroids. I take them for five days to offset side effects as well as assist in the other medicines working. By Friday night my system is overflowing with these meds. One of the side effects of having no side effects is difficulty sleeping. The last two nights were not pleasant at all. Add to this prescription a son who wakes up far too early and the mix is on the painful side. I can feel my system returning to whatever normal is and it comes not a moment too soon.

We are going to start this new week aiming for better results without all the drugs. Even today, my mind was going at full speed during church. At one point my voice cracked like the teenager moving through puberty. Remind me to look back on this weekend when round three begins. I am going to look for a new approach to get through this. We will also be writing from home for a few days. The computer in my church office is infested with viruses and such to the point it needs an overhaul. Luckily there is still access to the blog from home. Well, perhaps it is lucky depending on your point of view.

Life is not always about getting through with the minimum of roadblocks. Even God's best lived with their fair share of obstacles. To be sure, some of these issues were self inflicted. There are other times the problems originated from less than pure motives. We even have to wrestle with the times that God was personally involved in varied trials and tribulations. What I need to do is worry less about the source of difficulty and focus on who God is in every moment. Lately that is where my mind and heart seeks to rest. Sure there is still tension between my view of the good or bad in life. Being sick never strikes me as a good thing. God is however revealing Himself to be good regardless of the conditions.

We may be in need of an overhaul just like the computer. Remember that self repair is not really an option in life. Our aim can be to simply feel better more than it is to be made new. I try to keep in mind that God's goal is far more than whether or not I become "healthy" again. His work runs far deeper than my contaminated blood cells. His desire to renovate each of us down to our heart. Just be glad He operates through His Spirit. That renewal is far more gentle than the steroids. This week try to let God into your life so you see what He sees. Then open yourself up to His work of gentle grace. Rest in His unchanging mercy. Trust in His unfailing love.

Bro. Trey

Today was a day of rest. Even God rested after creation. Today was my day of rest after treatment. One of the many things that chemo does is to work on the various blood counts in the body. For example, my white blood cells are probably down quite a bit over normal. This is one reason doctors want you to guard against infection. My system just does not have the normal amount of resistance to germs and such. It also takes a hit on the red blood cells. Exercise and diet can help raise this a little faster than the other. The whole point is that three days after treatment is a good day to allow my body to do some catching up. Just as it was following creation it was also a good thing. Tonight I really do feel very good.

So far this second round of therapy is going perhaps better than the first. Now I know more what to expect as the week moves along. I spent this week doing exercise along with watching my diet. Seems logical to me that staying active will help those red cells to keep multiplying. It was also the week of VBS here. Sadly, my participation this year was limited to cheer leading. But congratulations to all of our workers for their efforts. This is still one of my most favorite weeks of the year. Is it draining? Of course it can wear you out but it is worth it when kids learn more about Jesus. My opinion is that our leaders did a fantastic job this year. My gratitude goes out to them.

Part of my rest was returning my mother back to her house. We did have to cross over into Louisiana but we got back to Texas as fast as possible. The day was made better getting to eat seafood while we were gone. I take steroids for five days so all the medications work better. This was the day the hunger part of that regiment took over. There is truly nothing wrong with my appetite today. Now we have clean clothes to wear. We have a refrigerator filled with food that awaits my attention. Maybe there is some upside to this whole being sick thing!

It is impossible for me to put into words my gratitude tonight. I am indeed a fortunate person. Now I am still wrestling with the idea of whether or not being ill is a blessing. Part of me is unsure about the whole cancer being a blessing thing. But the one thing that I do know is God is bigger than the disease. Any blessing comes from Him far more than from being sick. It's a bit like the acceptance speeches during the Oscar ceremonies. There are far too many people to thank and too little time to do that. So let me simply say thank you. You know who you are. Well, maybe you don't know who you are but I do and so does God.

Bro. Trey

My initial reason for going to the Doctor back in April was for a growth behind my right ear. It was not there long before someone noticed it. The original diagnosis was some type of scar. I asked for a referral to a Dermatologist to have if examined or removed. That is when he took the biopsy off the growth. A week later was when the news came that it was a sign of cancer. The actual definition is Type B Lymphoma. One day after round two of treatment and that growth is basically gone. It simply disappeared. Such a change really amazes me.

My Lymphoma is not a tumor based cancer. It is different from colon, breast or other forms that take the shape of large tumors. This illness is one based on white blood cells going amok. Doctors do have theories on how this happens. We still have no real explanation as to its origin. Like my doctor says, it matter less how long it was there but matters more than we get rid of it. I am taking the sign of the original growth going away as a statement that the treatment is also working as well on the inside. That seems to be the consensus of those at the cancer clinic. Now we don't know just how well it may be doing yet. Blood work reports do look good. Results are showing that the chemo is affecting the blood cells as needed. For one or two weeks the counts go down then rebound so we can do the next round.

Most scientists call my disease incurable but treatable. That does not really bother me too much. Since my diagnosis I found sources of good and trustworthy information on this cancer. I mentioned that almost every day is a new report of an upcoming breakthrough to gain even better benefits in curing this thing. Some of these may be a few years down the road. Some are still in early stages of study. The point is that the area of medicine holds very real promise to not just treat but reach some type of cure. This is a blood disease. Right now the possibilities of therapy are just beginning to get exciting.

So is there really a reason to pray with this news? Shouldn't just the science alone be enough to bring peace into this problem. My answer is of course no. We wrote recently about dealing with prayer and healing. Now I am no great fan of television healers. But there is room in my theology for a God who can restore to health. What I do is actually pray that God will help my medicines to do even more than normal. My body is His body. I pray that He will also help me directly during this process. Miracles by their definition are rare. We tend to call daily blessings as a miracle. Maybe we become so content with that we miss out on the really big stuff God might do. My motto remains to look for a healthy response by medicine or miracle. I will do all I can physically to let the drugs do their thing. I will also do all that I can spiritually to allow God to have the freedom to act. Just remember that God wants to do more than heal our diseases. He also wants to be turned loose in all that we do and are.

Bro. Trey

Round two of treatment began early today. A lady in the lab started things off by draining me yet again of some blood. When you are getting therapy for a blood disease it is pretty important to make sure that your counts do not drop too low. My blood pressure was down to normal yet again. Who thought that one has to get sick in order to get well? Doctor was again not gloomy in our visit. She feels like this approach is working from reports and observation. We discussed that kick in the gut fog mentioned in writings past. It was good to let her know my feelings. I also discussed it with her nurse. We have to find better ways for doctors to assist people who get such awful news.

We wrote last night about how the chemo room can be filled with people yet we are all on our own. My curiosity raises trying to understand that social aspect. Two members of my family stopped by as I sat waiting patiently for the drugs to finish. It was neat to share some time with them so they better understand the process. There was of course the temptation to be a bit silly to embarrass the daughter. I gave in to that feeling. Seems to me that you have to find some joy in the midst of times like that.

On to another note from a past blog. Someone wrote on my Facebook page that God doesn't give us more than we can handle. Let me remind you quickly of my view on that. I got to discuss it with two volunteers today. There may be times when God doesn't give us more than we can handle in order to get our attention. Sometimes a nudge like that works. But you won't change my mind on the idea that God indeed may give us more than we can handle. He does this to so we can put our full attention on Him. God is not just a resource of life. He is the very source of life. We can either choose to try and manage our situation or we can give it all to Him. My advice is move as fast as you can to giving it to God.

Being stressed beyond your ability is a gift from God. Sometimes the stress may have the best of intentions yet still not be the right choice. Sometimes we bring the stress on our self by decisions or attitudes. The gift is that God offers Himself to heal, forgive, and grow us. We can have the sin of trying to do it all forgiven. He can heal us from the best of intentions that go astray. He will grow us as we develop a firm foundation in difficulty with God. Life is not fair of itself. It does not operate on the reward system. God works on levels far past those of life. He acts from grace, mercy and comfort. We think when the bad times come that He tends to turn His back. What you learn in the dark places is that His arms are always reaching out to you even when you didn't know it. So why does it take us so long to discover that in our journey?

Bro. Trey

Not to be repetitive but this was another very good Sunday. Guess it makes me nervous wondering how we got to this point. Whatever the reason for the good days just count me grateful for each one. Church seemed to go very well today. That fog of shock that troubled me is hopefully gone for good. I don't look forward to any bumps in the journey but at least that awful feeling left. My mind seemed almost sharp again while doing my thing. I even got to go outside to do some mowing in the afternoon. There was a nice southerly breeze blowing so it did not feel so oppressively hot. Tonight I finished reading again To Kill A Mockingbird. That is a true classic. I think that I may have to get the movie next. It was a great end to the day.

Tomorrow is round two of treatment for me. The day will begin bright and early. No doubt there will be the lab visit complete with more needles. I'm beginning to really hate needles. Then it will be time to fill my body with those drugs that fight my illness. Round one of treatment went wonderful. No one could ask for a better experience. This round could of course be different but I am praying for a similar pattern. The clinic does a great job making it as easy as possible.

Treatment is given in a very large room broken up by cubicle spaces. Each cubicle has a large medical chair almost like a home recliner. You have your own small television to watch if you feel like it. Volunteers come by regularly to ask if you need anything. The nurses check on you constantly for any sign of reaction. I mentioned that during my first round that I read on books as well as just rested. This doesn't mean that you don't notice others sharing your time. You do notice others but it seems as if each person is focusing on their treatment. I try to pray for all to get healthy as they face their fight.

Like I said before, my belief is that God still heals. My trust is ultimately in God to use His power even if it is through medication. There are some followers of Jesus who do not put much stock in healing. We also have a few that swing way over to the other extreme when it comes to faith and healing. Here is my opinion. God can. God might. God may not. God has the last word regardless. He is already doing a work of healing in me physically. Perhaps it is through the treatments but it is apparently working. He is free to keep up that work of restoration in any area of my life. What good to simply get healing physically without any growth spiritually? My prayer is that it will be both/and. That is my hope for us all.

Bro. Trey

Thank goodness it's Friday. Not sure who said it first but they were right. Maybe someone years ago said it then it stuck. Now the weekend is in full swing. Tomorrow should be a decent day to mow. My grass is still growing like...weeds. Monday is another day for treatment so it will be good to get that behind me. I spent most of the day with my youngest child. We went to town to catch a movie. A good time was had by all. When we arrived home my youngest was there. She had a school meeting to attend. I checked on the computer for any new news or interesting items. This is when the night banked sharply into a whole new direction. Our favorite baseball team pulled off the trade of the season. It may not be big to you but it is to us.

Our team plays about three hours west of here. They have not made the playoffs in fourteen years. Not once has this team come even close to going to the World Series. As of right now, they are in first place in their division. They were predicted to be a distant third. Baseball is a game where trading players is a big part of the game. Teams that are falling behind now will trade established players to a team in need. What those teams gain are usually several young players who are "prospects" in need of developing. Anyone who casually follows the sport knows that a certain team in New York is always getting whoever they desire. For our team and not the one in New York to get perhaps the best pitcher in baseball is a shock. No one saw this deal coming.

There are lots more issues involved in this business side of baseball. In the end our team takes a risk on gaining a great player while giving up those prospects. Maybe the point is all about risk taking. Baseball history is full of trades that went very badly for one team or another. That's one of the reasons why you can talk about the game so much. It's one of the things that keeps the fan interested in every move. Even between seasons it is referred to as the "Hot Stove League." We keep up to see what our team does to improve over last season. Risk is one of the ingredients in doing that.

Faith is a risk. It is also not a game. Real life stuff is made up of faith and risk. We trust God based on our heart knowledge of His character. We open His word risking that He may challenge us or even bring comfort to a weary soul. We reach out to others in the risk of being resisted, ignored or even ridiculed. The list could go on endlessly. But never forget that our very faith is based on a risk that we did not take. God sent His son into the world because of His love. Scripture does not say He takes that chance because we will always be appreciative or accepting. God just risks being resisted, ignored or even ridiculed because He loves us. Wow, that is amazing. When we risk faith then He trades all of our yukkiness for all of His greatness. That one is truly a one sided trade.

Bro. Trey

Someone told me last night that the rumor around town is that my hair is going away. Now you know the reason for writing a blog even if not many people read it. You would think that just a glance at my head would be visual enough to dispel the gossip. It may not be here much longer but for now I got it. Part of me wants to try and grow back a full beard now. But that might look odd if the hair loses the battle with therapy. So for now my contentment is in being able to still need shampoo every day. It may not be growing as fast or as thick as usual but It is hanging on.

My father descends from American Indian heritage. There really isn't much of that bloodline left for me. About the only thing noticeable is a good amount of hair on my head. The rest of me is pretty much up for grabs. Do you wonder like me as to why anyone would be more concerned about my hairline than my health? Somewhere on here I am pretty sure that the topic of gossip was covered. All that I ever ask is that if someone has to talk about me that it be really good and not make me look stupid. Sadly, not every piece of rumor comes with that thought. There is no way for me to dignify some of the gossip in the past. To be honest, some of it was almost science fiction since it would make me Superman.

A major reason to pick up the blog again is to keep setting the record straight. Another reason was to offer a view into the spiritual journey of illness. If someone loses hair for a period of time yet gains a healthy victory over disease is not a bad trade. If someone can discover new depths of spiritual maturity is an even extra blessing. Someone once said that big people talk about ideals or vision while the small person just talks about others. Maybe this is why honesty is such a refreshing character trait. Now that does not being honest yet still talking ill of others! It seems to me the point of being truthful is all about being trusted.

If or when my hair goes you can be sure of my total honesty about it. Part of me wants to go to the costume store in town to look for some "dreadlocks" wigs to try out. Odds are that there will be a new hat or two in my future. Another part of me hopes that God opts to work a miracle in the hair area. My youngest might not understand why Dad went from shampoo to the bare look. Recently I said that God can do miracles. He parted the Red Sea and I am still parting my hair. My hope is for many more miracles than that. And so we will continue on the journey with that hope.

Bro. Trey

Let's try for that hard to find short blog post. Seems like even my best intentions to keep it short go astray. Chalk that up to my preacher training. However I will say that no one ever criticizes a sermon that is short. You would think sometimes that we are being paid by the word when we talk. Also, never forget that the favorite word of any congregation is when the preacher says "finally." That's when the glazed over eyes come a little more in focus.

We are under a week away from the next round of therapy. Hard to believe but I am looking forward to it. My hope is that this one will be even more effective than the first. Today was another lab visit. You go every week while being treated to be sure your counts are still holding strong. So far no one needed to call me about mine. That is a reason to be thankful. I also had a stitch removed from my procedure last month. My nurse then added that my recent heart test came back great. We can proceed at full blast in driving this disease from my system.

The gym was my final destination of the day. Seems to me that my best choice is to exercise all I can when I can. We said enough about that in the past so that's all I will say about that. Each day gets me closer to the goal of not letting my illness define me. Each day the fog of the diagnosis lifts more. My heart is thankful to God for that. He is helping me find this new normal with every passing day. Tomorrow my youngest and I will go to town for our usual mixture of spending money and having fun. I want to be at my best for him. Having a growing relationship with God is never about a life without joys. Even in the valleys there are occasions for new life. My hope is that we continue to find that with His help.

Bro. Trey

The experts say that keeping active is a huge help during chemotherapy. You can even find official studies on the effect of exercise and such on people going through this. Thank God that so far the chemicals flowing inside me have not dampened my ability to do what I want. Don't look for me too much out on our school track. That is one concession so far to treatment. Summer in Texas is not a good time to be pregnant or having chemo. Our school recently built a practice facility with weight room connected. You can usually find me there from 5 to 7 on weekday evenings. It was closed today for the holiday. In place of walking or lifting my tasks were more manual labor oriented. In other words, it was a day of working in the yard.

I know that my perspective is a little off but it sure felt good to be outside sweating. There were limbs that needed trimming. There was grass that needed weed eating. (Is that a verb?) Then there was the yard in need of mowing. Now realize that the last mowing was three days ago. Our recent monsoon season combined with humidity and sunshine is causing the grass to grow as if it were on steroids. A look at our forecast says it won't be long until the lawn tractor is needed again. Yes, I took in lots of fluids during the day. Yes, I took breaks between jobs. Perhaps I am a bit crazy but I am not insane. It surely did feel good to be dirty and sweaty again. It also felt good to shower it all off.

Doing things like this was normal until not too long ago. It seemed like my health was doing good since nothing ever showed up at general checkups. I guess that idea was way off base. Now there is a thing inside my chest where they hook me up for chemo. Medicine itself is a fascinating topic. Every three weeks my body will be invaded by chemicals designed to aggressively attack my illness. So far those drugs seem to be doing just that. Without the growth that developed behind my ear I might still be doing business as usual now. It does make me wonder sometimes how long have I been "sick?"

That question usually reminds me of how we go about the business of daily life. Can we really know how well we are doing spiritually? The same can be asked for each area of our world. We are most times the last to know when something is amiss. It is so easy to become comfortable with the routine that we lose sight of our reality. That is where we need God's help. He is the One with perfect vision about how we are doing. God knows everything about us and He loves us enough to offer the occasions for renewal. What is even better is that becoming healthier with God does not cost us our hair! We may have to allow Him to fix our heart but that is what we need at such a time. My hope is you will live healthy in every avenue of your life.

Bro. Trey

This turned out to be a pretty good day. I was worried going into this weekend how it would all play out. For a holiday weekend it turned out to be fairly busy for me. Friday was a day for just doing house stuff. I even got my yard mowed just prior to another summer monsoon. My family left that evening for the weekend. Their departure took place about the time that I was at a funeral visitation. Saturday was my first funeral since my journey into diagnosis and treatment. Lots of prayers were said by me and for me to be able to get through that. My fear was in not being able to process any emotions that might come my way. For the most part it seems that prayer was answered. I am grateful to God for that.

I have to confess that the last six weeks or so seem like an out of body experience. Traveling this road of diagnosis and treatment knocked me for a loop. You should know that there was in fact a literal, physical kick in the gut when the diagnosis came. Perhaps I haven't owned up enough to it before. Owning up to it now is not a problem. I recall feeling as if I could not catch a breath while sitting with the doctor. It also felt to me like the room began spinning. I also had that feeling of not really being present but having all of this going on around me. The medical term for this is Post Traumatic Syndrome Disorder. For the last few weeks there were two battles to fight. Medicine seems to be gaining the edge on the illness. Defeat in the PTSD area was common.

We forget just how hard the life changing events of life affect us. Underestimating the emotional toll of bad news is a common trait. All I know is that every effort to get past that blast emotionally fell terribly short. Exercise helps some when the body releases those chemicals that create a "high." Spiritual practices help some with reading, writing, and praying. But all of those things are still happening in what I call the "fog of the shock." There is no way to describe how hard it was to study much less lead worship the last few weeks. Yes, this is a confession that I am a human being. There isn't much pride in writing this post but there is honesty.

This weekend was a time for that fog to start lifting. My deepest prayer is that it goes away for a very long time. You cannot fight against this cancer while being stressed out. Yes, I know that God promises peace in the heart of our troubles. He began to work that serenity into my heart over the weekend. Mentally, I realized that my body is probably healthier now than it has been for some time. The therapy seems to be delivering a solid blow to the damaged cells. Spiritually, it finally began to click while doing my spiritual practices. We will try to touch on some of the lessons being learned in the days that follow. My heart is continuing to discover increasing peace each day.

Today once again felt like a normal day. God deserves the credit. We ended the day with an awesome fireworks display at the house. Wasting money on fireworks is a holiday ritual for me. My youngest gets a tad bit excited at the thought of having our personal show. The rockets and such were waiting on him when he came home this evening. Trying to wait for sundown was brutal on him. All of the fireworks this year were the type that go high into the evening with multi colored displays. My son reached a milestone this year as I let him light some of the rockets. Ok, so it may be possible that my enjoyment level matched his. He declared it a great show afterward. On second thought, this was a pretty great day. My hope is your days will be as blessed as possible.

Bro. Trey

I didn't realize it was so many days since my last writing. Time flies when you are having fun and even when you aren't. If this is going to be any type of record of my thoughts along the way then consistency is needed. Some of the reason for not writing is due to just being fatigued with this whole being sick thing. I don't mean that in a physical way. So far my health overall is holding up just fine. Treatment may take its toll in its time but for now I feel good. The fatigue is just the daily grind of adjusting to this illness that wants to consume all of my attention. It is getting old very fast.

It makes sense to me that for a believer everything in life is funneled through faith. We do not follow Jesus in portions but for all of life. It also makes sense to me that our enemy would use any means at his disposal to hinder us in that faith. Anytime there is an opportunity for us to grow would make it a dangerous time in that conflict. If the enemy cannot engage us in one area of life does not mean that he would not seek some other option. I say all of this because it seems that is part of the fatigue this week. It is not some notion of pride to think that cancer brings on different issues for even a believer.

How do we get to a place where the upper hand belongs to God and not the enemy? There is no end to suggestions to be found in the Christian world. My best advice is for us to focus on the greatness of God before and as we do anything else. Much of my personal reading is in the Psalms lately. David echoes every emotion we as human beings feel as we move through this world. He also talks much about the conflict between the person of God and all manner of enemies. In the end, he turns to God to be his defender and strength. He realizes his limits and asks God to be active in the warfare. What strikes me lately is how little we seem to do that. We sometimes ignore any struggle. That is not healthy. Sometimes we give our enemy too much credit. That is not healthy either.

My hope is to continue learning just how big and awesome God really is. I need Him not just for the disease but for all of life. I need Him to become more and more the focus of life. We will suffer from fatigue of all sorts without His presence. It may not come from cancer. Perhaps the origin will be just the daily demands we have. The core conflict is in whether or not we will allow God to be God in our life. We may not face gross evil in this struggle. We may face our peculiar notions of faith rather than something obviously evil. If David needed this terrific presence of God how much more do we? Just be ready for God to show up in ways you cannot begin to imagine. That's what I want for you and me both.

Bro. Trey